Jaden wrote:
You deserve utter honesty, so here it is:
"A Glance of emptiness"
This is an extremely cliche poem/lyric title. Seriously, it sounds like a fucking Evanescence song. Cry more.
"The devoured empire fades as the end, begins."
There's no reason to put "begins" after a comma here. It just looks like you don't have a very good comprehension of English. Furthermore, there's nothing metaphoric here, it's just big words (executed poorly at that). Poetry isn't about high diction. You should be weaving metaphors throughout, which you don't.
"Begins the time of sorrowful deceives with human ignorance obscuring the coronation of the horns."
Poetry doesn't excuse "Engrish." "Begins the time of sorrowful decieves" is improper and sounds retarded. And anyone who likes to toss around the phrase "human ignorance" is no philosopher in my books. Yeah, sure, we're not all brilliant, but what out there is smarter than us? "Human ignorance" philosophy is pseudo-philosophy, and will get you no where. I am a university philosophy major, and I can assure you that none of this would be taken as very credible. Teenage angst does not qualify you as a philosopher. And what the hell is "coronation of horns" referring to? It's too obscure.
"Time creates the mystery….the incomprehensible Existence for chaos to invade."
The only thing incomprehensible here is this line.
Fuck it, I'm too lazy to go through the rest, and I have class. My point is, your poem is shit. If you're going to treat forum members like shit, and be an arrogant cock, you deserve to hear the truth.
*looks at his dick*
