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All you ever wanted to know about metal genres!!!
https://metalreviews.com/phpBB/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=6345		 Page 1 of 3
Author:  Astaroth [ Mon May 29, 2006 6:10 pm ]
Post subject:  All you ever wanted to know about metal genres!!!
Here's the definition for each metal genre - enjoy :wink:


HEAVY METAL:
The protagonist arrives on a Harley Davidson, kills the dragon, drinks some beers and fucks the princess

GRIND METAL:
The protagonist arrives, screams something completely undecipherable for about 2 minutes and then leaves...

POWER METAL:
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the
dragon, saves the princess and they make love in an enchanted forest

THRASH METAL:
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princes and
fucks her....... easy and quick

FOLK METAL:
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (from all the dancing) protagonist leaves without the princess

VIKING METAL:
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his migthy
axe, cooks and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals the castle and burns the place before he leaves

DEATH METAL:
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and
kills her, then leaves

BLACK METAL:
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it
in the front of the castle.....then sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her.....then he impales the
deflowered princess

GORE METAL:
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in the front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her....then he fucks again her dead body, slashes her belly open and eats her guts, fucks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the last time

DOOM METAL:
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks that he never could beat him, gets depressed and commits suicide....the dragon eats his body and the princess as well

PROGRESSIVE METAL:
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo for 26 minutes, the dragon kills himself out of boredom, the protagonist arrives to the princess’ bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques learned in the last year of the conservatory... the princess escapes, and is now looking for the ”HEAVY METAL” protagonist

GLAM METAL:
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy’s appearance and lets him enter, he steals the princess’ make-up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink color

INDUSTRIAL METAL:
The protagonist arrives wearing greasy overcoat, makes an obscene gestures towards dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.

CHRISTIAN METAL:
The protagonist arrives and hands the dragon a leaflet. Rescues the princess. She then asks if they can fuck, but he insists not until they are married. The dragon throws the leaflet in the trash.

NEW METAL:
The protagonist arrives wearing a backwards baseball cap and a hoodie. He breaks out a mic and begans to bust a rhyme about his childhood issues. The dragon blows fire and the protagonist melts being completely artificial and made of plastic.
Author:  Kathaarian [ Mon May 29, 2006 6:13 pm ]
Post subject: 
Haha, this is pretty cool.
Author:  stuartn15ted [ Mon May 29, 2006 6:13 pm ]
Post subject: 
:lol:
Author:  deathkvlt [ Mon May 29, 2006 6:16 pm ]
Post subject: 
OMG it's like the 785,868,989th time this is posted...

Quite funny, though.
Author:  Dago [ Mon May 29, 2006 6:17 pm ]
Post subject: 
I have this feeling that i already read this..

But it's :lol:
Author:  Astaroth [ Mon May 29, 2006 6:24 pm ]
Post subject: 
deathkvlt wrote:
OMG it's like the 785,868,989th time this is posted...

Quite funny, though.


it is?! :? well.. just searched the forum, and there's no such list like this so far.. perhaps in another version, i dunno
Author:  Kathaarian [ Mon May 29, 2006 6:29 pm ]
Post subject: 
Astaroth wrote:
deathkvlt wrote:
OMG it's like the 785,868,989th time this is posted...

Quite funny, though.


it is?! :? well.. just searched the forum, and there's no such list like this so far.. perhaps in another version, i dunno


I haven't seen this once in my entire time here.
Author:  December Flower [ Mon May 29, 2006 6:33 pm ]
Post subject: 
This was posted like 3 times in a short period of time when the new forums started, but it's still fucking gold and it's good that it's posted again for those who haven't seen it :P
Author:  Eyesore [ Mon May 29, 2006 6:38 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: All you ever wanted to know about metal genres!!!
Astaroth wrote:
CHRISTIAN METAL:
The protagonist arrives and hands the dragon a leaflet. Rescues the princess. She then asks if they can fuck, but he insists not until they are married. The dragon throws the leaflet in the trash.

I've seen this a million times, but every time this one cracks me up! :lol:
Author:  OnlyThisMoment [ Mon May 29, 2006 6:45 pm ]
Post subject: 
deathkvlt wrote:
OMG it's like the 785,868,989th time this is posted...

Quite funny, though.
Author:  Eyesore [ Mon May 29, 2006 6:47 pm ]
Post subject: 
OnlyThisMoment wrote:
deathkvlt wrote:
OMG it's like the 785,868,989th time this is posted...

Quite funny, though.

Your avatar is too small. I can't see your boobs.
Author:  Orion [ Mon May 29, 2006 6:48 pm ]
Post subject: 
Like everybody else has said - seen it a lot, but it's pretty damn funny.
Author:  Astaroth [ Mon May 29, 2006 6:48 pm ]
Post subject: 
ha ha :lol:
Author:  Fingon [ Mon May 29, 2006 6:49 pm ]
Post subject: 
Eyesore wrote:
OnlyThisMoment wrote:
deathkvlt wrote:
OMG it's like the 785,868,989th time this is posted...

Quite funny, though.

Your avatar is too small. I can't see your boobs.
:lol:
Author:  OnlyThisMoment [ Mon May 29, 2006 6:52 pm ]
Post subject: 
Eyesore wrote:
OnlyThisMoment wrote:
deathkvlt wrote:
OMG it's like the 785,868,989th time this is posted...

Quite funny, though.

Your avatar is too small. I can't see your boobs.


Sucks to be-ith you Eyesore.
Author:  Azrael [ Mon May 29, 2006 7:00 pm ]
Post subject: 
old but still funny.
Author:  Eyesore [ Mon May 29, 2006 7:29 pm ]
Post subject: 
OnlyThisMoment wrote:
Eyesore wrote:
OnlyThisMoment wrote:
deathkvlt wrote:
OMG it's like the 785,868,989th time this is posted...

Quite funny, though.

Your avatar is too small. I can't see your boobs.

Sucks to be-ith you Eyesore.

Before I carry on with my sexual comments, how old are you? I can't feel good about myself if I'm making sexual jokes with a 15 year old. :lol:
Author:  MetalStorm [ Mon May 29, 2006 7:59 pm ]
Post subject: 
GOTH METAL:

The protagonist arrives dressed in all black with black makeup.Conjures up a spell from the dark lords to kill the dragon then proceeds to fuck the princess in a dark ritural paying respects to Jar Jar the dark prince of sex and depression.
Author:  Eternal Idol [ Mon May 29, 2006 8:08 pm ]
Post subject: 
MetalStorm wrote:
GOTH METAL:

The protagonist arrives dressed in all black with black makeup.Conjures up a spell from the dark lords to kill the dragon then proceeds to fuck the princess in a dark ritural paying respects to Jar Jar the dark prince of sex and depression.


Image
"Blessed be-uh me-uh!"
Author:  OnlyThisMoment [ Mon May 29, 2006 10:18 pm ]
Post subject: 
Eyesore wrote:
OnlyThisMoment wrote:
Eyesore wrote:
OnlyThisMoment wrote:
deathkvlt wrote:
OMG it's like the 785,868,989th time this is posted...

Quite funny, though.

Your avatar is too small. I can't see your boobs.

Sucks to be-ith you Eyesore.

Before I carry on with my sexual comments, how old are you? I can't feel good about myself if I'm making sexual jokes with a 15 year old. :lol:


Rofl, how considerate of you.


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