Metal Reviews

I found this on the internet. I copy-paste as it is so I'll take no credit or blame for anything.

"This is the situation: there's a beautiful princess trapped in a castle watched by a dragon. Here's the end of the story with different styles of metalheads as knights...


POWER METAL:
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.

TRASH METAL:
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princes and fucks her... easy.

SPEED METAL:
Same as trash metal but done 10 times faster.

HEAVY METAL:
The protagonist arrives on a harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and fucks the princess.

FOLK METAL:
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing acordeons, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls sleep (because of all the dancing). Then all leave... without the princess.

VIKING METAL:
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his migthy axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.

DEATH METAL:
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her, then leaves.

BLACK METAL:
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle... then sodomises the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her... then he impales the princess next to the dragon.

GORE METAL:
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her... then he fucks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts... then he fucks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the last time.

DOOM METAL:
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide... the dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert... that's the end of the sad story.

PROGRESIVE METAL:
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes... the dragon kills himself out of boredom... the protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the technics and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory... the princess escapes looking for the "HEAVY METAL" protagonist.

GLAM METAL:
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearence and let him enter... he steals the princess make-up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink color.

INDUSTRIAL METAL:
The protagonist arrives wearing greasy overcoat, makes an obscene gestures towards dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.

NU-METAL:
Protagonist arrives in pimpin' SUV and baggy pants. Dragon sees the protagonists nose ring and snickers. Protagonist whines about bad childhood where his beloved pet canary died and ever since he has been Broken, Numb, Dead Inside, Thoughtless and not Alive. Dragon gets highly annoyed, and eats the protagonist. Princess thanks Dragon."

Very old, but still amusing.

Ah ok, didn't know it was that old. I haven't seen it before and the first thing that came to mind was to share the laugh with you guys.

If I got ten bucks for each time this was posted on MR, I'd be filthy rich...

If I masturbated every time I'd seen this, I would have jerked off a lot.

come on, now! it has already been posted a few times this year not more than a few weeks since last time

here:
http://www.metalreviews.com/phpBB2/view ... p?p=165268

and here:

http://www.metalreviews.com/phpBB2/view ... hp?t=6345&



but to say that it has been posted a thousands times on MR is a lie.




yes, if u lived in Uganda

If I got £10 for every time I'd seen this on metalreviews I'd have like....wow, £40! Someone give me £40, I want some new trainers.

If I was decapitated eevry time this was-wait, bad example.

Ok, I admit, bad example.

Now, on contrary; If I grew an extra penis every time this was posted, I'd be an octopus!

lol .. a freaky octopus with many problems that is .. does the extra penis come with an extra ballsack as well?

That's been up already since around November, 2004. Still funny, though.

Some of you may remember some of my own endings for the story. Such as:

Metallica Fan
Hero arrives at the castle. Does NOT fight the dragon, but instead, threatens to sue him. The dragon reluctantly lets him into the princess's chamber. He comes up to the princess, but instead of making love to her, spots her chest of gold and runs off with it.

Tr00 Metal Fan
Hero valiantly arrives at the castle on his noble steed with his mighty sword in hand. Hero courageously slashes the dragon, unscathed and unflustered. He rushes up to the princess's chamber with the blaring sounds of Manowar playing in the background. Princess complains, "I don't really care for this type of music. Let's play some Venessa Williams instead." Hero becomes angry, casts a spell and sends princess to an eternal burning in the flames of Heavy Metal.

Melodic Death Metal Fan
Hero arrives in a rocket ship. Softly but surely dispatches dragon and comes up to the princess's chamber. Comes inside and notices an In Flames poster from 2004 on her wall. Hero immediately loses his erection and goes home.

Christian Metal
Hero comes in. Does not fight the dragon because fighting's wrong. Asks the dragon if they can be friends. He obliges and takes him to the princess's chamber. Princess wants sex. Hero proclaims, "Premarital sex is wrong." Princess dumps him and makes love to the dragon instead.

Stoner Metal
Hero comes into castle really high. Offers dragon some pot, dragon smokes it and becomes really stoned. Hero comes up to the princess's chamber. Offers her some pot, and then gives her the best sex she's ever had.

MOREMOREMORE!!

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Why won't this thread die the quiet death it deserves?

because of that. and because of this.

Forum dweller

The protagonist arrives at the castle and tells the dragon that its' castle is ugly so the dragon gets angry and leaves. Next the protagonist tries to find the princess but can't manage because the castle is already too full of other sad people trying to find her and making witty comments about each other. So the valiant knight settles in to live and observe the castle from a distance. Eventually he gets bored and leaves but not without leaving a notice on the castle door that everyone is stupid and the castle has changed too much in his eyes.