Metal Reviews

Debated posting this here because I know how brutal you guys can be. But that's ok -- probably even good.

I haven't gotten a title yet. This is 4300 words, and the final manuscript will be over 60,000.

http://darkmemories.net/story.doc

You're writing a novel, too, eh? Watch out for Kayla, she ripped apart a rough draft of a first chapter I'd done. Haha. I have just printed this out, I shall commence to leaving it by the shitter for reading. I'll give you my opinion tomorrow.

I wanna know what happens. :(

.:crast:.

Good.

Oh, and I think it goes without saying, but this isn't a completely final draft. It's been edited quite a bit, but even since I've posted it I've updated it two or three times. The most embarassing mistake was writing "your" instead of "you're".

Haha. I was gonna tell you about that. OK, here are my thoughts.

First off, no wonder why you like Firefly so much. Haha. Seriously, though; I felt that it was little too fast-paced, a little too much dialogue and not enough descriptive text. I got no vision of where these people were. Also, character development, you need more of it. You have a lot of dialogue-only passages; use it to describe the characters, what they're doing in connection with their environment. You know, something like: "Let's fuck," she said. Her anorexic frame indistinguishable in the broom closet. But maybe not quite so eloquent.

I think the introduction of Alfred, the death of Adriane, and Jared's leaving came way too fast. I think you need to build Jared's relationship with Adriane up a bit, make the reader feel something beyond words like "He loved her more than anything." Also, make the reader like her so she's missed when she dies.

As for Alfred, I didn't much like that whole part. It went by too fast and it felt unnecessary. I also thought Jared became a bit too brutal with the whole killing/torturing Alfred thing. It made me dislike him.

And you used "tattered" too many times.

Otherwise I thought it was cool. I realize it's a rough draft and will likely change many times before it's finished, but those are my thoughts on what you posted.

I agree with a lot of them, and the ones I don't, I understand where you're coming from. I realize it's fast-paced (and I want to keep it that way, but perhaps I could fill it out a bit more).

As for the Alfred thing, I think it's completely fine that you don't like Jared much. I'm not trying to make you like him, and I want him to be controversial.

Adriane and Alfred were never developed very much because they're minor characters. I think Jared is being developed though. And while I realize expanding Adriane's character more would add to the reader's emotional response, the scene is really just supposed to be a kick-off to the story, and also an event that really shapes Jared's character throughout the rest of the book.

But you're right on some accounts, and I think I will try to fill it out more.

OK, I can dig on that. If Alfred and Adriane aren't that important, why not write that part as a recollection rather than an event that happens then and there in the story? Make it a memory, something Jared reflects back on?

As for Jared, you definitely have to make him endearing in some respect. I realize I couldn't grasp who he was in those few chapters, but if you want him to be controversial you need to make him one of those loved-but-hated characters—like Artemis Entreri in Salvatore's novels. Unless Jared is going to be the hated antagonist, of course.

I agree with Eyesore's comment about description; I really kind of had no setting in my mind for anything. Don't be afraid to add some in there; fast paced can be good, but this was a bit too much.

Your prose needs some sharpening up; perhaps a greater variety in language would be better (this is me being picky, but "There were grammatical questions, mathematical questions, and more abstract problem-solving questions" feels like sloppy writing to be simply based on the number of times you repeat the word questions. Also, try to work on showing, not telling. Obviously, you're going to have to tell us some things from Jared's perspective, but too much "Jared didn't like this, Jared liked this" can get tedious. Eyesore's point about Adriane is well put: You can't just tell us that Jared loved Adriane. For it to be effective, we have to feel it. Alfred and Adriane may be minor characters, but they have to feel like people, not just plot devices.

And I don't mind that Jared isn't too sympathetic, as I like traditionally unsympathetic characters. A flawed character is always more interesting than a near perfect one.

So yep, some good ideas in there. Keep on writing and editing, and good luck, man.

Updated again: I added about 200 words of extra detail.

Just changed that sentence.

Well, I think posting my first three chapters here was a good idea. I can gather a lot of opinions, decide how much I agree with them, and then edit accordingly. Better to get some early criticism, so I can keep it in mind throughout the rest of the novel and do a better job.

It wasn;t dreadfulm, and I agree wiuth everything that Ken and Brahms said.

AS wekkm, I thoguh sentences were too short. Short sentenceas are a shitty way of conveyin tension. In a bleak future, where our hero has to scavenge for livilihood./ Thenm goes home and has a hot bath,. With his girlfeidn. And this may be my drunken memory laynig up, but there wasn';t a single mention odmwhat any of them looked liek.

Hahaha...

Yeah, you're right on the latter point, but I added physical descriptors in the latest update.

Describe that breast a bit more. She has another, right?