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 Post subject: Hilariously awful reviews
PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2008 1:40 am 
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Ist Krieg
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A thread dedicated to reviews so misinformed, so amateurish, or so any other sort of -ish that makes them laughably bad.

Quote:
http://www.revelationz.net/index.asp?ID=867

Arch Enemy - Anthems of rebellion
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Arch Enemy are back with an extreme metal album that easily tops their previous brutal exercise: "Wages Of Sin".

Angela Gossow choosing this time to morph her famous growl into something like a true Parsel Tongue. For fans of the Harry Potter book series, you'll know the Parsel Tongue is snake language. Angela sounds like a mother Pit Viper hissing at a predator trying to snatch her freshly hatched brood of eggs! While the Amott brothers rhythm machine with Sharlee D'Angelo on Bass and drummer Daniel Erlandsson form what can be no less described as the deadly fangs of this reptilian metal monster, poison and all!

So taking that description into account, be warned! This album will strike and sink it's teeth into you with a relentless force.
Like a Cobra they spit the venom of rebellion at all who have stood in their way.

There are some short mellow moments on the album but there are no would be power ballads or calm seas to float on here. Much like Dew Scented, they never relax or take it too easy. No Sir, they grab the metallic beast by the balls and bend him to their will! What is that will you may ask yourself?

To shred, devastate, annihilate, castigate, and castrate the targets of their rebellion. Namely politics and societal expectations of normality and conformation.

Not since Metallica's " Master Of Puppets" and Megadeths' " Peace Sells...." have I heard these kind of songs! They are well built, flawless in playing and production, full of hooks and power. They have the classic metal band name, and a classic metal album name. Add to that this collection of songs and we have an instant classic metal album.

Make no mistake, Wages Of Sin was awesome. They have taken it to it's next logical level. A level I am proud to announce metal as officially back in a big way. Arch Enemy now find themselves occupying the long vacant Metal throne!

Musically speaking the album harkens back to a time when metal went beyond riffing and actually became songs that were easy to remember, while retaining their power and skill. These are songs, much beyond mere exercises in ferocity or blistering riffage. The music is extreme and fast and powerful, the vocals are mean and vicious but they are constructed in such a way as to become metal anthems that I'm sure fans will get to know and sing word for word at their upcoming shows. They really have crossed all metal boundaries and styles to make an album that I would wager all fans of every type of metal would enjoy. They have succeeded in making it universal in it's metallic appeal much like the aforementioned Metallica and Megadeth did. Even the album art is as classic as "Master Of Puppets" and "Peace Sells..." were.

Are there any standout tracks? Yes....tracks 1-13 Hee Hee...they all rock and could all easily be picked as singles to release. That's what makes it a classic from top to bottom....not a dud in the bunch!
This is everything Metallica was, should have been and could have been!

Now if they can just avoid the pitfall of Metallica's decline into boring alterna-metal, then metal will again take it's place as a force to be reckoned with in the mainstream and never ignored as a phase or fad by those who scowl at us metal heads and think we went away at the front of the 1990's. Flagship to the Metal resurgence? Yes, thy name is: ARCH ENEMY

Now quit reading my inane babbling about it and go get yourself a copy because school is back in session and Arch Enemy are the curriculum by which we shall re-educate the world to the power that lies in OUR art form.......Heavy METAL!

An easy 10/10


Rating: 10/10

Written by David
Thursday, September 25, 2003


Tip: When reviewing "extreme" metal, Harry Potter references are a big no-no.

Quote:
http://www0.epinions.com/content_102931926660

June 5th: St. Anger's Day. The day the kings came back to reclaim the Heavy Metal throne.

Over the years I've come to notice one constant in the evolution of Metallica, they reinvent their sound with every album. To me, at least, there is no mistaking one of their albums for another, or confusing one of their songs with another. "Wait a minute man... Load and ReLoad were virtually the same". Yes I know. That was the intention. In any case, Metallica generally has the ability, despite several changes in their sound on the surface, to maintain the core of their style that has always been and will always be there. That brings us to the music on Metallica's long-awaited St. Anger.

St. Anger... The title speaks for itself.

I've read complaints about "underproduction", but I don't hear any problems in the production. It's not the squeaky-clean, polished to perfection, mainstream pop-metal release that has become the norm in the record industry. It's rough around the edges and rebelious. Which, if I'm not mistaken, is the foundation of Heavy Metal and Rock in general. It's this very raw feel that makes St. Anger remind me of Kill 'Em All. Another complaint I've read revolves around the fact that there are no guitar solos on this album. This is a very slight disappointment, but I think this serves a purpose by letting James show his unique rhythm style that hasn't been heard in a very long time.

Metallica said that St. Anger is most comparable to ...And Justice For All. Well, it's definitely not Black Album or the Loads(Thank God). I am one of those who believes Metallica's real glory days were in the 80's, as far as the 20th century goes. I think they have a whole era of glory days ahead of them in the 21st.

I had a small fear that this would be another episode in the Load series. But to me St. Anger is derived from the lyrical simplicity, thrash, and production quality of Kill 'Em All, and the instrumental layering/complexity, song length(it's about time they brought back the anthemic feel), and pure speed and anger of ...And Justice For All. All of those taken up a few notches with a twist of total insanity and intensity never before heard on a Metallica album.

"Frantic Tick Tick Tick Tick Tick Tick Tock" is a perfect example of the lyrical insanity that awaits the listener throughout the album. It sounds like James totally lost his mind on this song. It carries a pretty cool rhythm break, tuned low enough almost to bass qualities. This opening song should tell the listener what's in store with the return of Lars' relentless drumming style, which is something that I missed in the 90's. And the machine-paced drumming only gets better in every song that follows.

"St. Anger" is calculated, cold, and well....angry. The double layering of the vocals and background vocals in the beginning of the chorus makes me think of a person having two sides and/or multiple personalities showing more insanity than "Frantic" on a lot of different levels. Lyrical odes to "Hit The Lights" and "Damage Inc." might seem a little hoaky, but are well placed. The line "Madly in anger with you" is simple and clever. The music has a very urgent quality almost like a panic attack with a theme song. One of my personal favorites on the album.

"Some Kind Of Monster" has a raunchy, sloppy, spine-tingling distorted rhythm riff that kicks in and sets the mood for this Heavy Metal-Bluesy crunching monster of a song that somehow reminds me of "The Thing That Should Not Be". Good subject that seems to be about how we've created a monster out of ourselves and our world. Once again carrying the overall angry theme, this is another one of my favorite songs, as with the rest of the album.... great drums and guitar.

"Dirty Window" took some time to grow on me, but it's starting to climb up my personal Top 11 Songs From St. Anger Chart. I even thought up a cool video for it that would be too long to fully explain on here, plus I don't think it would be understood by all who will read this. Anyway...back to the song. To me it's about seeing things from one angle(right or wrong) while others see the same thing in a different way. Insanity runs rampant in this song. From the music, to the lyrics, to the vocals, and James psychotically yelling out "A HA HA HA" out of nowhere. It's just the pure craziness that we haven't seen out of Metallica. I think it's great.

I have a hard time getting into "Invisible Kid". I like that it's another long song. But it just seems to be the least angry song on here. Don't get me wrong it's angry, just not in the same way as the rest of the album.... kind of a low point. Good subject matter(maybe a child that begs for, yet is afraid of attention), but the lyrics don't fit well with the music. Sadly it feels like a Load series throw-back. But that doesn't worry me too much.

"My World" is the only other song on here that I can't quite thoroughly enjoy for reasons unknown. The anger is good. Taking back control over your life is the underlying message. The last half of the song is the best, starting with the line "Not only do I not know the answer......". From that point on is where the song comes together in all aspects. I think about skipping ahead to the next song, but then I remember there is a part in this one I like.

Another one of my favorite songs is "Shoot Me Again". Sounding like a personal message to those who labeled Metallica sell-outs and thought their time had passed, "...Shoot me again, I ain't dead yet" basically saying 'take your best shot, I'll just keep coming'. I love all aspects of this song. From the music to the lyrics. One of the angriest on the album, and if I'm right about the subject, then there's excellent reason for the anger. I can't say enough good things about this song.

When I first heard that there was going to be a song on here called "Sweet Amber" I was somewhat worried that Metallica was going to take a path they hadn't really traveled by making a love song. I also thought the title in any case was somewhat funny because of my on and off infatuation with a woman named Amber. So there's an irony to the timing of my favorite band coming out with a song with the name of a woman I have an interest in. Is it fate? Have the stars alligned in my favor?? Heck, I don't know HA HA. Anyway, I was wrong about the part that had me worried. Because if this is meant to be a true love song, it's got to be one of the most twisted and heaviest love songs in existence. Anyway, the music starts out with a bluesy riff that gradually gets heavier and faster. Toward the end comes something extremely familiar... a drum and guitar combo that resembles what is probably the most popular guitar/drum combo in Metallica history....... NO NOT "ENTER SANDMAN" HA HA(my nerdy attempt at humor being a huge Metallica fan as some of you might know... sorry)........The machine gun rattle drumming from "One".

"The Unnamed Feeling" had me hooked from the very beginning. The urgency of most of the songs is still very apparent, in a slow, yet extremely heavy manor off and on through the song. Vocals/lyrics/vocals full of inner panic. This confused inner panic comes through really well in the frailty of James' voice in the line "Get the &%#$ out of here, I just wanna get the &%#$ away from me, I rage, I glaze, I hurt, I hate, I hate it all. Why? Why? Why me?" The overall rhythm of the chorus sounds a lot like "No Leaf Clover". Like at least a few songs on St. Anger, "The Unnamed Feeling" must've been somewhat inspired by James' rehab.

Reading the lyrics reveals a play on words in "Purify" saying "Pure if I"..... I dunno, I thought was kind of cool. A good song, but still has to be put in the not-quite-up-to-par category as a slightly better reminant of the Load experiments. But I will say it's heavier than anything Metallica did in the 90's. The way I see it, 8 excellent songs, and 1 sub-par song out of 11, is much better than I can say about most albums of the last 10 years by any band. Who knows maybe this song is going to be a late bloomer for me. It's pretty much a filler at this point.

"All Within My Hands" is a good note to end on, in this relentlessly enraged therapy session titled St. Anger. This song is purely about keeping control of anything and everything, especially love, to the point of obsession. Insanity pokes its head out one last time with James yelling out "Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill" several times, each time accenting different points. To me, he's trying to kill the feelings of obsessive control.

I bought this CD hours after it was released, and I haven't been able to really listen to much else since then. Like all other Metallica albums I tend to notice something different everytime I listen to it.

I know there are quite a few people who don't like this album/refuse to like it. Some of them might like the Load series style better and don't remember or know Metallica prior to the 90's, so it might be too heavy for them. Some of them might have eternally lost faith in Metallica during the 90's, and naturally will not like anything Metallica releases because it can't be exactly like their first four albums. As for me, I have to give St. Anger an unbelievable amount of respect. I talk a lot about the anger in this album, and I think it's great. But make no mistake, I don't only like Metallica's angry music, I like it all, for what all of it is (read some of my other Metallica reviews for farther proof). St. Anger expresses so much through the music. No, there aren't any real guitar solos, but as Kirk said, they tried to fit them into the songs but they offset the general flow of the songs. Kirk's one of the greatest Heavy Metal guitarists in the world, living or dead. So does he really need to keep proving himself through solos? My only disappointments in St. Anger are as follows:

1. Rob Trujillo wasn't in the band during the recording, so Bob Rock filled in on bass. But I look at the bright side, they didn't hire him permanently.

2. St. Anger didn't come out seven years sooner. I like Load and ReLoad for what they are, but they just sound weird(for lack of a better word).

I'm extremely happy Rob was chosen to join Metallica. Like Cliff, he doesn't use a pick. He's got the same amount of energy as Jason, but a completely different kind of energy. While watching the bonus DVD that came with the album all I could think was Rob is perfect for Metallica. But they will always choose musicians that are best for the band.

I think Metallica is back on the right track as far as what I consider to be their interest in creating the calibur of music that they are known for. Also I think that everything they've been through individually and as a band has helped them in both areas. I respect James for going into rehab. You have to give respect to somebody who not only realizes they have a problem, but actually have the sense to do something about it. I'm looking forward to hearing and seeing what they'll do in the future.

Has Metallica been successful in reclaiming the Heavy Metal throne? I think so.


He just loves how sick and twisted and crazy those 'tallica boys are.


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2008 2:00 am 
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Quote:
Breubreubreubreubreu Breubreubreubreubreu Breubreubreubreubreu Breubreubreubreubreu Breubreubreubreubreu Breubreubreubreubreu Breubreubreubreubreu Breubreubreubreubreu Breubreubreubreubreu Breubreubreubreubreu Breubreubreubreubreu Breubreubreubreubreu Breubreubreubreubreu ..................................

Don't worry guys, I am still alive and well. I just wanted to share with you the extraordinary lyrics of this cult Gore metal band called Disgorge. And those guys wants to "dismembered and sodomized us".

Without any doubt the mega Crap of the year. When I first "played" that CD, I knew it will win my Crap of the Year award. What a shit my friends. If you have money to spend for nothing this one is definitely for you.
The cover ? Same award as the music : Big Shit !

Next !!!

Killing Songs : The third "Breu" after the fifth "Breu" (That was the best moment).


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2008 2:08 am 
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I tend to look back at reviews I wrote more than a couple of months ago, and wonder exactly how I got away with anything that bad.


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2008 2:50 am 
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Ist Krieg
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Zad wrote:
I tend to look back at reviews I wrote more than a couple of months ago, and wonder exactly how I got away with anything that bad.

I hate pretty much every review I write within a week after finishing it :\


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2008 2:58 am 
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noodles wrote:
Zad wrote:
I tend to look back at reviews I wrote more than a couple of months ago, and wonder exactly how I got away with anything that bad.

I hate pretty much every review I write within a week after finishing it :\


Jesus. Maybe I should grow my hair.


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2008 6:46 am 
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"Frantic Tick Tick Tick Tick Tick Tick Tock!"

Lyrical insanity.


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2008 10:58 am 
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Afro Lint wrote:
"Frantic Tick Tick Tick Tick Tick Tick Tock!"

Lyrical insanity.


Hahaha that's exactly what I thought when I read that! :wacko: :lol: :D


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2008 2:39 pm 
Metalreviews.com's classic review of Korn - Issues.

Honestly, though, I didn't really find anything wrong with the St. Anger review. Rule #1 when evaluating reviews: Be as objective as possible. Avoid basing your judgement of a review's quality on whether or not you agree with it.


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2008 2:42 pm 
Zad wrote:
noodles wrote:
Zad wrote:
I tend to look back at reviews I wrote more than a couple of months ago, and wonder exactly how I got away with anything that bad.

I hate pretty much every review I write within a week after finishing it :\


Jesus. Maybe I should grow my hair.


Ehhh, I look back on some of the reviews I wrote on Epinions back about six-and-a-half years ago and can't help being like, "How the fuck did I manage to write something this bad"?


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2008 3:23 pm 
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Seinfeld26 wrote:

:D

I miss Danny...


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2008 7:37 pm 
Stormclad (note: the reviews and maintainance of this site are all done by one person) I remember took a lot of heat for their reviews once here on Metalreviews.


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2008 8:01 pm 
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:mellow: :huh: wtf???


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2008 9:08 pm 
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Allmusic.com's review of Transilvanian Hunger:

Quote:
"Darkthrone is for all the evil in man," proclaims the back cover of Transilvanian Hunger, the Norwegian group's fourth release — but more controversial is the proclamation that contained within was "Norsk Arisk Black Metal," loosely translated, "Norwegian Aryan Black Metal." One would have to be fluent in Norwegian to understand whether or not Transilvanian Hunger boasts a racist agenda, since all lyrics, save for the vampire-themed title track, are "sung" in said dialect, but such a proclamation reeks of a publicity stunt from this batch of antisocial black metallers (further evidenced by the lyrical contributions of Norwegian scenester/convicted murderer/Burzum leader Varg Vikernes). Look past this malarkey, and you'll find, well, an impenetrable wall of noise, a 39-minute blur of mosquito-buzzing guitar riffs, blastbeats, and inhuman howls. The album boasts a subbasement-level production resembling a distant radio broadcast ripe with ambient noise; the most patient of black metal listeners may find some edible scraps amid the production rubble, but only "Over Fjell Og Gjennom Torner" offers respite with a "Raining Blood"-type break amid a flurry of sloppy, basement-level Norwegian Cuisinart grinding. Transilvanian Hunger boasts plenty of notoriety in the metal underground for its almost laughably anticommercial stance, the band having urped up a light-swallowing black hole of a record whose songs may be respectable underneath all the detritus but, hey, good luck finding 'em. Some will proclaim Darkthrone as the one outfit that stayed true, through most of its career, to the filth-encrusted ethics of the nasty early-'90s Norse black metal scene — i.e., no frilly keyboards, symphonic wankery, or professional studios — and maybe Transilvanian Hunger is a testament to the band's unwavering stance, but actually listening to it is another matter entirely. Like most of Darkthrone's early material, it's an unpleasant dentist-drill experience that only the unholiest of unholies will pretend to enjoy.


Yeah, reviewing music that you obviously don't even take seriously is very good when you want to be the biggest music database on the web... :rolleyes:


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2008 9:16 pm 
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December Flower wrote:
Allmusic.com's review of Transilvanian Hunger:

Quote:
"Darkthrone is for all the evil in man," proclaims the back cover of Transilvanian Hunger, the Norwegian group's fourth release — but more controversial is the proclamation that contained within was "Norsk Arisk Black Metal," loosely translated, "Norwegian Aryan Black Metal." One would have to be fluent in Norwegian to understand whether or not Transilvanian Hunger boasts a racist agenda, since all lyrics, save for the vampire-themed title track, are "sung" in said dialect, but such a proclamation reeks of a publicity stunt from this batch of antisocial black metallers (further evidenced by the lyrical contributions of Norwegian scenester/convicted murderer/Burzum leader Varg Vikernes). Look past this malarkey, and you'll find, well, an impenetrable wall of noise, a 39-minute blur of mosquito-buzzing guitar riffs, blastbeats, and inhuman howls. The album boasts a subbasement-level production resembling a distant radio broadcast ripe with ambient noise; the most patient of black metal listeners may find some edible scraps amid the production rubble, but only "Over Fjell Og Gjennom Torner" offers respite with a "Raining Blood"-type break amid a flurry of sloppy, basement-level Norwegian Cuisinart grinding. Transilvanian Hunger boasts plenty of notoriety in the metal underground for its almost laughably anticommercial stance, the band having urped up a light-swallowing black hole of a record whose songs may be respectable underneath all the detritus but, hey, good luck finding 'em. Some will proclaim Darkthrone as the one outfit that stayed true, through most of its career, to the filth-encrusted ethics of the nasty early-'90s Norse black metal scene — i.e., no frilly keyboards, symphonic wankery, or professional studios — and maybe Transilvanian Hunger is a testament to the band's unwavering stance, but actually listening to it is another matter entirely. Like most of Darkthrone's early material, it's an unpleasant dentist-drill experience that only the unholiest of unholies will pretend to enjoy.


Yeah, reviewing music that you obviously don't even take seriously is very good when you want to be the biggest music database on the web... :rolleyes:


I linked to that a while back. 'Tis a poor review, seems like they pciked the reviewer entirely at random.


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2008 9:34 pm 
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That is allmusic's claim to fame, only take albums that 90% of the population have hard of seriously, everything else sucks, is worthless or otherwise is a waste of time. They suck balls

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PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 2:53 am 
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Ist Krieg
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Afro Lint wrote:
"Frantic Tick Tick Tick Tick Tick Tick Tock!"

Lyrical insanity.

I read this review years ago. That was the bit that stuck for me. When I went to look for the review again I typed the following into google:

"Metallica"

"Epinions"

"Lyrical insanity"


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 10:39 pm 
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In defense of these turds, reviewing isn't easy. Do you have any idea how many times I use the word "killer" in reviews? All the damn time! And I hate it. But it's hard to not follow trends if you write reviews consistently. It's not like telling a story, where characters and settings change the way you write. With reviews you're writing about the same thing every frickin' time. Yeah, different bands, but you're writing about the exact same things. It's hard to keep things fresh. I generally hate most of my reviews. Haha. They seem cool at first, like Zad said, but later you're like, "Fuck me...that's dreadful." But it doesn't matter, because most people don't read all your reviews, so they probably don't pick up on those things.

With that said, some people clearly have no business writing anything.


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 10:43 pm 
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Afro Lint wrote:
In defense of these turds, reviewing isn't easy. Do you have any idea how many times I use the word "killer" in reviews? All the damn time! And I hate it. But it's hard to not follow trends if you write reviews consistently. It's not like telling a story, where characters and settings change the way you write. With reviews you're writing about the same thing every frickin' time. Yeah, different bands, but you're writing about the exact same things. It's hard to keep things fresh. I generally hate most of my reviews. Haha. They seem cool at first, like Zad said, but later you're like, "Fuck me...that's dreadful." But it doesn't matter, because most people don't read all your reviews, so they probably don't pick up on those things.

With that said, some people clearly have no business writing anything.


I'm my own worst critic. I generally hate any reviews I write, but people seem to like 'em.


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 11:21 pm 
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I actually agree with that review on early Darkthrone... Then again I prefer a nice production which a lot of black metal doesn't have. I do enjoy black metal though... But probably not the same stuff that the purists enjoy. I of course do recognize the influential value of early Darkthrone on the world of black metal though.

Again. I are not kvlt. :sad:


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 11:34 pm 
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Mintrude wrote:
Afro Lint wrote:
In defense of these turds, reviewing isn't easy. Do you have any idea how many times I use the word "killer" in reviews? All the damn time! And I hate it. But it's hard to not follow trends if you write reviews consistently. It's not like telling a story, where characters and settings change the way you write. With reviews you're writing about the same thing every frickin' time. Yeah, different bands, but you're writing about the exact same things. It's hard to keep things fresh. I generally hate most of my reviews. Haha. They seem cool at first, like Zad said, but later you're like, "Fuck me...that's dreadful." But it doesn't matter, because most people don't read all your reviews, so they probably don't pick up on those things.

With that said, some people clearly have no business writing anything.

I'm my own worst critic. I generally hate any reviews I write, but people seem to like 'em.

Same here. There's only so many ways you can say something. I've actually reused descriptive lines before without realizing it. Haha.


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