Jaldaboath - Rise of the Heraldic Beasts
Napalm / Death To Music
Medieval Folk Metal
10 songs (40:15)
Release year: 2010
Reviewed by Kyle
Crap of the month

Ha! Just what the hell is THIS?

… No, seriously… what the hell IS this?

I don’t even know where to begin with this review. There are an unbelievable number of things wrong with Jaldaboath’s debut full-length Rise of the Heraldic Beasts. But before I tear into this one, let me provide a little back-story on the band. In 2007, after The Meads of Asphodel kicked him out of the band, guitarist Jaldaboath formed his own band using his stage name as the name of the group. The band released an EP, Hark the Herald, in 2008, and then this album in 2010, both under Death to Music, before Napalm Records got a hold of the latter and released it under its label. And for the life of me, I can’t determine why such a respectable label would do such a thing.

Jaldaboath is a band that… um… well, I don’t exactly know how to describe this music. I guess it’s a mix of pseudo-blackened riffs and symphonic elements derived from medieval folk and power metal. Rise of the Heraldic Beasts features simple drum patterns that never make any attempt whatsoever at standing out, and thanks to the mediocre production they sound incredibly artificial. Guitar riffs (which are presented with a tone that is totally flat) almost never consist of anything other than power chords; the riffs are so lame and uninspired that they make the likes of Green Day sound positively groundbreaking. Vocals are downright lame; other than the occasional growling part (such as on Seek the Grail), songs are not sung; rather, they are obnoxiously narrated. And the keyboards… my God. Jaldaboath makes use of some of the cheesiest keyboard effects I’ve ever heard; even the worst power metal bands wouldn’t likely stoop so low as to utilize these. And at the times when you AREN’T being slapped in the face by the fucking annoying keyboards, the boring guitar riffs will steadily lull you into a coma, which is probably a better fate than having to listen to Rise of the Heraldic Beasts.

Jaldaboath is obviously a band that aims at humor (there’s even a song called Bring Me the Head of Metatron, but that also goes to show that Jaldaboath is a rather poor loser), so I can’t rate this album as low as I’d like. The music may be ludicrous, but it’s almost valid when you realize that it’s supposed to be that way. At the same time, however, it’s incredibly difficult to respect a band that lists Monty Python as one of its main influences, especially when the caliber of humor present is aeons from approaching that of the famous British comedy troupe. Lyrics are rooted in medieval history in a manner that is spirited but never terribly funny; however, the fact that many songs focus on medieval Templers is very confusing when you have blasphemous songs present such as Axe Wielding Nuns or Bash the Bishop.

I really can’t recommend this album to anyone. I know that there are several people who have somehow enjoyed this album - reviews I’ve found have scores ranging from 0.5 / 5 to 10 / 10 - but as I don’t have any real knowledge of these reviewers’ tastes, all I can say is to try before you buy. When Rise of the Heraldic Beasts is bad, it’s really bad. When it’s not bad, it’s just plain boring. I have absolutely nothing good to say about Jaldaboath other than the fact that it’s truly an original band. Nothing else like Rise of the Heraldic Beasts exists in this world; let’s hope things stay that way for a long, long time.

Killing Songs :
Yeah... nice try.
Kyle quoted 28 / 100
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There are 7 replies to this review. Last one on Tue Oct 19, 2010 12:40 pm
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