Drown in Solitude - Cold Sense of Suffering
Homemade Elephant Dung
Elephant Black Metal
5 songs (33:53)
Release year: 2008
Reviewed by Tony

Dude... Really??? Are you joking??? Is this serious??? Were you on drugs??? Drunk??? Am I supposed to laugh??? Cry??? Is this what Mexican Black Metal sounds like???

I always enjoyed Danny's crap of the month reviews. He has been long gone from this site, but I always loved his 3 sentence blurbs in broken English about how much he despises said album. I feel like he tortured himself purposely, for our enjoyment. For this I pontificated whether to just write a 5 sentence review, paying homage to Danny with his trademark "Next!!!" I always revel and work hard to at least make my Crap reviews funny. And for that reason, I always go to Danny's page to enjoy a good, short, CoM review. However, even though the circumstances of my last few weeks have severely limited my output on MR, I just cannot and will not write this review without explaining how dreadful, how pitiful, how ear shattering this album is.

You all probably know by now that I actively indulge in my marijuana habit when I'm not particularly engaged in something important requiring soberness. Whenever I smoke I feel heightened emotions, and when I first clicked the link to this in the thread I couldn't tell whether to laugh, cry, or cower in fear. So, I did all three... Believe me, when I tell you the following sentence: Alexandre Ghashlord, the sole proprietor of Drown in Solitude, has created a monstrosity greater than anything Metal has ever ejected from its anal underworld. Alexandre has created ELEPHANT BLACK METAL. I do not joke when I tell you this. I was thoroughly convinced that he actually went to the zoo, kidnapped an elephant, and let it rip through the studio on a tirade. This is larger than a pachyderm, larger than life, larger than God himself. Hippos may account for more deaths than any animal, Rhino's might be faster and fitter, but nothing can compare to the aural pain this marauding elephant has wreaked on my precious ears.

This guy starts raging from the get go in his trademark elephant vocal style. I am not sure but there may be a drum machine involved. The sad part about this is, for Depressive Black Metal, the instrumentation is not half bad. When the Rogue Elephant of Aberdare Forest crashes through the soundproof glass and bellows a war cry through the mic to devastating effect, shit hits the fan. Reaching the End opens up the track, and musically it's one of the better ones. This still does not excuse the intro, which is two and a half minutes of white noise and elephant screeches. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!?!?! I swear if they would get the elephant back to the fucking zoo this could pass as a decent instrumental album to veg out to with a joint. But nooooo, he had to do this. He had to punish me. He had to decimate all of my hopes and dreams, dragging me to the depths of immeasurable misery that he obviously endured in the creation of Elephant Black Metal.

Forget mentioning any of the other songs, their length, or their creativity. What is most important about this shit blizzard is that he draws out the tortured screams of elephant molestation for over a half hour. Blah blah blah!!! This is so bad. I do not even know how to explain. Listen to it for yourself. I swear, you'll shit a brick laughing, one so big it makes the elephant manure I had to trudge through for 33 minutes look like child's play. I had to end this review. So many more elephant euphemisms, pachyderm plodding, African alacrity, I'm going to die if I keep listening to this. He is trying to sound Lo-Fi, but he sounds like several elephants participating in a community orgy, dropping a deuce, and dying all at the same time. Which are the three things I plan on doing to celebrate the end of Cold Sense of Suffering, the one and only release from Alexandre Ghashlord and his horrific Elephant Black Metal safari.

Killing Songs :
The End.
Tony quoted - ∞ / ∞
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