Metal Reviews

The Wizard Iyzor stood on the balcony, watching the cityscape. From his viewpoint, the buildings resembled termite mounds, rising and falling in a random wave across the horizon. Tiny dots crawled over them, exchanging ideas, trading jokes, living their miserable little lives out under his steely gaze. He was glad, in a way, that they were ignorant of the coming darkness. There had been panic in the past, and in the ensuing riots death was not unknown. No, better that they should continue in ignorance, whilst he dealt with the land's troubles.

And what troubles they were! Not just had an outrage been commited, the Princess herself being attacked by a 'hargoreid' (he shuddered to think what manner of foul beast that was), but the most noble Shaman Lizard Tail was missing. His acolytes said what they had been told to say, that he was away on a quest to search for the Messiah, to bring him to end the Emptiness, to further the coming of the void. Plus, this rumour, of the return of an ancient darkness...

From his left, a huge grinding sound started up, and turning, he watched as the revoos were dropped from their chutes down to the street. Since the Emptiness, no crops would grow and of course nothing could be imported from outside, so this was the only method possible to feed the people. Slowly, the tiny specks started to move towards the revoos, drawn from sheer hunger, trampling on each other in their haste. To Iyzor, this meant nothing. Many more would die, if the rumours were true and the darkness was really returning to this once fair land. The current sorry state was as a result of the first visit, He would be more powerful now, thought the Wizard. But Iyzor's powers had increased since then, having gained the status of Mod Rator after months of intense study. Yes, there would be an even fight this time...

*

Many miles from the Tower, in the poor area of Hel's Heim, Radagast was having a bad day. Not only had his landlord increased his rent, but the wench he had been chasing the night before had rejected his advances, after leading him a merry dance which resulted in his spending his wages for the coming month. His head ached from the vast amount of ale he had consumed, his body was battered after the fight he had foolishly started in the bar. Rolling over, his arm collided with a stool, knocking it over. "Hey!" said a familiar voice. "Keep the noise down!" Looking up, he could just about make out the figure of Rio, the minstrel of that area. He was plucking the strings of a peculiar instrument, made of a shiny metal not unlike gold with a twist at one end. "I'm trying to reproduce the works of Mingus the Great, how can I think with all that noise?" The pair were friends, despite their differences.

Rio held out a hand, and pulled Radagast to his feet. Shaking slightly, Radagast looked around, seeing that he was still in the bar. "It's your own fault, you know," Rio sniffed fastidiously. "If you wouldn't drink that swill, you would be much healthier." Radagast grunted, and looked around for the barkeep. A gram or so of cof'ee would make his headache vanish, at the price of his short-term memory. The drug was banned throughout the land of Latt'm, but since the Emptiness, few paid much feed to the rules, and chaos often ruled in the streets of the Heim, especially when a stranger came into town.

A door behind the counter opened, and Fingon the barkeep strode through. Although local gossip said that he once was a great lover and friend of the ladies, he was in a sorry state now, huge belly protuding from under his tunic, like a venomous snake under a rock. Despite the horror of his physical appearance, he was known for his kind heart, and all the local young men often came to hear him hold forth on worldly matters. "Have you got any cof'ee?" asked Radagast. "I may be able to find a few grams for you, young sir!" boomed Fingon. He turned, and started to rummage through a drawer. "Are you insane?!" Rio hissed at him. "You know what that stuff does to you!" Ignoring him, Radagast took the small vial that Fingon offered, signed the chit, then broke it open and greedily inhaled the brown powder within. Rio stormed away, slamming the bar door as he went. He was a sensitive soul, and hated to see his friend destroy himself in this pathetic way. Any feelings of remorse that Radagast had when he first started using the drug had vanished over time, and now his mind filtered out the jeers of the higher classes as they laughed at the junkie.

Outside, Rio angrily kicked at a stone as he strode away from Fingon's bar. One day he would get aggressive with his friend over the issue, but not today. Walking past an alleyway, he suddenly caught the scent of stale perfume, and turning, he saw Azrael leaning against the wall. He was dressed in skintight leather trousers and a tight white tunic with vomit down the front. Looking up, he saw Rio, and smiled, the bright red lipstick making his face even more ghoulish. "Everything is fine?" he said, his outlandish accent marking him as 'different'. The Heim was full of such as him, lost souls in search of salvation. Before the Emptiness, he had been widely respected as a man of reason and wit. Now, he was fallen to the level of a street-whore after being publicly humiliated by a thieving gypsy. Rio shuddered, and moved away quickly.

There were few left who were the same as before. Such change... he shook his head sadly. Whether he had some inbuilt immunity to the effects of the Emptiness, or whether it was due to something else entirely, he didn't know. It pained him beyond belief to see the once proud Heim bought so low. Even the Wizard Iyzor no longer visited the region, so disgusted was he by the level of filth it contained. The thought of the handsome Wizard bought an angry tear to Rio's eyes. Once, they had been friends. Now he was abandoned, as the Wizard dwelt with his high-class companions in the capital, forgetting his humble beginnings.

Hearing a shout, he looked up to see Zad leaning over the edge of a building up above. "None shall be spared!" the madman yelled. "None of you shall go free!" With an insane laugh, he pranced on the edge, tiles falling from the roof to the street below. "It's sad," said a voice from close to Rio's ear, making him jump. "Remember what Zad used to be like? Then came the Emptiness, and, well..." Bastard gestured up. He was one of the more normal ones, perhaps spared by some kindly god due to his young age. Unfortunately, he had not been spared a cruel parent, who cursed him with his name after an argument with Bastard's mother shortly after his birth. "We'd better get him down," Rio said, and the two walked inside, towards the stairs leading up to the roof.

Opening the hatch that led to the roof, at first Rio could not see Zad. Suddenly, he felt a hand on his shoulder, and a throaty voice said, "Looking for me?" Rio jumped, and Zad cackled. "None of you shall be spared! None! All shall suffer!" "What's he talking about?" whispered Bastard. "I have no idea, but let's get him down before he hurts himself," Rio replied. Together, they walked towards him, forced smiles on their faces. Zad backed away, waving a hand at them. "Stay back!" he yelped, "no complaints, or you'll suffer more!" "Come on, Zad, we want to get you out of harm's way, that's all," said Rio. Zad looked at him suspiciously, then allowed himself to be led down the stairs.

Back outside, Rio found Radagast waiting for him. He had followed his friend from the bar, wanting to borrow some silver from him to pay his landlord, but when he saw Zad he stopped. "I wish something could be done for him" he said. "Maybe if we went to see Iyzor..." Bastard suggested. "NO!" Zad spat, "not going to see him!" "But he could help you, make the pain stop. Don't you feel the pain?" "All feel the pain. All suffer," Zad replied calmly. He was rigid in his madness, not caring for himself. "Perhaps a message to Iyzor would be a good thing," Bastard suggested. "He would know what to do with Zad and others like him." "If he wants to!" snorted Radagast. "The Wizard cares only for himself!" Rio shook his head. "No, he would help us! We must go and see him." "But who will lead us through the dangers of Val'lah?" Bastard said. "There is one..." said Rio slowly, glancing at Radagast, who shook his head furiously. "No! He's as mad as Zad!" "It's our only hope," Rio said. "Masheen will guide us."

Leading Zad along by the hand, the three friends walked to Masheen's lair. Once, he had dwelt in the Tower, but had been cast from his lofty post after an argument with the other Tower-dwellers, and fell victim to the Emptiness. It was said that he had journeyed all the way through Val'lah on his own, and so was treated with awe by the other Heim-dwellers. When he finally emerged, after Rio had banged on the door, they were shocked, as was all that saw him, by his lack of height and amusing attempt at growing a moustache. Visually, Masheen was not scary, but looking into his eyes, you could see the darkness that dwelt in his mind uncoiling, searching for a target.

They explained the situation to him, and asked for his help. Whilst this was going on, Zad stood to one side, staring at Masheen with a strange expression on his face. The two had been seen speaking together, and Zad would never say what about, no-one having the guts to ask Masheen. They had some connection that went beyond their mutual insanity, and for many this made Zad as frightening as Masheen, although Rio's small circle of friends knew that he was harmless. Masheen was silent, thinking, and Zad reached over and poked him gently in the cheek. Masheen turned his dead gaze on him, and he, smiling, said softly, "none spared, all shall suffer."
Turning back to them, Masheen said, "I agree. On one condition: he stays behind," and he pointed to Zad. Rio agreed, as on their long journey the madman would slow them down. At least Masheen was functional.

So, after leaving Zad with Fingon and gathering some food and clothes for the journey, the four set out on their quest. A few hours of walking bought them to the gates marking the end of Hel's Heim, and turning back for one last look, Bastard saw a black cloud in the distance. "What's that?" he asked. The others paused to look, and after a moment, Masheen said, "it is Winter...Winter is coming back again." Radagast gasped, and bending over, Bastard vomited violently. Moaning softly, Rio said, "what will become of us?" Masheen didn't answer, but watched the cloud with a strange look in his eye.

*

From the Tower, Iyzor saw the same cloud, and he shook his head softly. War was coming. He would have to get the Princess to safety, otherwise the land was truly lost. He turned, and went to make preparations...

To be continued...

Looking forward to it.

that was amusing

lolocaust.

I was listening to Virgin Steele at the time, so that seemed pretty damn epic.


By the way, I love how I get to be the junkie for the record no advances were spurned bitch just went half mad overnight.

This should be a book.

The Tower was a work of art, reflected Iyzor, as he strode up the many stairs leading to the Princess' chambers. Over a hundred stories high, and going far underground, it was the highest erection for miles around, a symbol of power like no other. Marks of its long life, like scars on the body of a warrior, were dotted here and there, although magical repairs ensured little actual damage was done. It had survived since before the days of man, and doubtless it would survive to see the final setting of the sun, and the Final Upheaval, when the Gods descended on their chariots to judge the sins of man.

Going up, he passed the Bishop Terr'r. "Greetings, Wizard!" he said, an unusual smile on his gaunt features, "has the Metal been forged?" - here giving the traditional greeting of the True Religion. "The Metal is forged anew," replied Iyzor, bowing his head slightly and giving the traditional hand-sign by which Believers identified themselves to one another before the True Religion was accepted by all. Iyzor made a move to pass by him, but the Holy Terr'r held out a hand to stop him. "It troubles me, Wizard," he intoned, "that the Believers are not as True as they once were. Did not the Prophet Ad'ms himself state, 'The Gods made heavy Metal and they saw that it was good'? And here is man, piling sin upon sin, selling their values for shiny baubles, changing their lives in search of the gold. It vexes me, indeed it does." He shook his head.

The search for Trueness was the essence of the Metal Religion, and lately a new fad had been observed upon the streets, a terrible thing indeed. It involved the wearing of a special uniform, and the growing of one's hair in a particular style, (when the True way was to let it grow long and free!). Religious ceremonies were seen, where the partakers performed a strange dance, throwing limbs around in abandon. The rumour was that the Princess had been attacked by some foul creature utilising this religious frenzy, although what she was doing in such foul places remained to be seen. "Indeed, times are strange," agreed Iyzor. He himself did not keep so True; few did, except the Holy Terr'r. Again, he made to pass him, and this time Terr'r let him go. "Remember, Wizard!" he intoned. "The Special Ceremony is tonight! Don't forget!" Iyzor forced a smile and waved a hand, then continued up the stairs.

The Special Ceremony was a travesty, he thought. Once a year, children were bought to the Tower (the poor at the lowest level, of course) and indoctrinated into the ways of Truth. This involved the most purest Metal being poured into them, one by one. He could never bear the screams. Children were not supposed to be exposed to the Metals at such a young age! They needed to start with lighter Metals, such as the Rocks. Only then could they survive heavier Metals, the Black Metal being the most darkest and dangerous. The land of Latt'm was constructed around these beliefs, and this was the way it had been for generations, but surely nowadays such old-fashioned customs were outmoded? He knew for a fact that many from Hel's Heim refused to bring their children, rather indoctrinating them in a less dangerous fashion.

Finally, he reached the Oaken door which separated the Princess' Chambers from the rest. The Guard on duty seemed alert enough, but it was always wise to check, so he stopped in front of him, observing closely as he came to attention. "How is the Princess Carnif'x this morning?" he asked. "The Maid said she thinks she's pregnant again, Wizard lord! I had to remove all coat-hangers from her presence!" replied the Guard. Iyzor sighed. The Princess' insanity had started around the time of the Emptiness, and to this day no-one had the knowledge to cure her of her delusions. With the curse came an extreme hatred of children, making it necessary to hide her away during the Special Ceremony. "What caused this?" he asked. "Wizard Lord! She claimed that a demon visited her in the night!" "I shall see to her. Meanwhile, continue your vigil. Who knows if another 'hargoreid' mayn't attack! Tell me your name, and I shall commend you." "My name is Noodles, Wizard Lord!" Iyzor opened the door and walked inside, missing the smirk that passed across Noodles' face. "Strength and Honour!" he whispered fervently, before nervously looking around to make sure that none had heard his Treachery.

Inside, Iyzor encountered the Princess sitting on the floor, drawing pictures on the floor with cat's blood. She appeared to have a cushion under her dress, which kept slipping down. He coughed politely to draw her attention, making her jump. "Oh, Wizard, you must guard me from these traitors!" she yelped. "They surround me, watching me all the time!" As she waved her hands, the cushion slipped again, and she grabbed it, poking it back into place. "I hear that congratulations are in order!" Iyzor said jauntily, watching her with a sinking feeling in his heart. "If you had any humanity in you, you would fetch me a coat hanger so that I might rid myself of this parasite!" she spat.
"I have come to help you, your Highness! We must remove you from The Moon City to a safe place, war is coming!"
"Pah! The Tower has survived many wars!"
"But it will not survive this one. Princess, Winter is coming!"

Her face went white. "So, my visions are true!" she whispered. "We must flee, Princess! You know that Latt'm will fall in a war with the Winter!" "NEVER!" she shouted. "My place is with my people! Besides, Winter went against the Gods. He will be cast down! He will be crushed by the True Metal!" Iyzor cursed silently. It would be so typical of Terr'r to have implanted these ideas in her mind when she was in this condition. He would have to warn the Bishop to stay away from her, else the incident with the strapping young lad be repeated. "Very well," he said. "but I must ask your Highness to remain in the Tower, else another attack take place." She didn't answer, and after a moment or so slipped back to the floor, continuing her painting. He watched for a moment, as a distinctly humanoid form began to take place, then he recognised it, and his jaw went slack with horror.

*

"Typical Rio! Just has to bring his stupid...thing!" Radagast grouched, unswinging his backpack from his shoulders as the group stopped for a quick rest. The journey was not going well, they were barely out of Hel's Heim, and already the food was nearly all gone. "Maybe we'd have had more room if you'd have left your drugs at home!" Rio replied sharply, stung by his friend's insult. He had retrieved his stringed instrument, and was plucking the strings, meaning to start a sing-song. "Oh, stop, both of you!" implored Bastard. "If you go on like this, we'll never reach Opeth!" Suddenly, Masheen screamed. "What? What is it?" they clamoured. "That name...I left The Moon City many years ago. It took everything I have, and if it is my final act, I swear by the Gods that I will tear it to pieces!" Masheen said, wearily. "I cannot abide to hear the name spoken, or to see it written." The others stood, warily watching him. Finally, the silence was broken by Bastard. "We'll be careful not to," he promised.

They continued on their journey. After a few hours, they arrived on Promotia, the wasteland on the outermost reach of The Moon City. It was once a place of legend, famous battles having been fought there aeons ago. Now, it had fallen to a circus, fools flocking their to sell their foolishness, often even selling their own bodies to strangers in the process. One such came bounding up to them now, a hopeful smile on his face. He appeared to only have one hand, the other ending in a misty fog. "Yes," said the stranger, following their gaze. "It's a miraje!" "Don't you mean mirage?" ventured Rio. "No!" he snapped, waving his hands wildly, the fog following as though it were attached to him. Masheen stepped out, and shoved the stranger over. He rolled off down a slope, ending in a small muddy creek, which he amusingly fell into with a splash. "Should have done that a long time ago," muttered Radagast, and they continued on their way, leaving the unfortuanate fool to clamber from the water on his own.

They encountered several more such annoyances on their way, none offering anything worthwhile, and Masheen dealt with them all in his quietly violent way. Although he said nothing, Rio could tell that Bastard was impressed by Masheen, and he resolved to have a quiet word with him later about the subject. Rio believed firmly in peaceful means, and it bothered him that Masheen was acting so aggressively. He would just as soon have talked to the fools, although it was against the True principles he had been taught as a youth. A new age was dawning, he felt, and the people were growing angry at the Gods. Soon, the lower classes would rise, and take what was rightfully theirs.

He was interrupted in his reveries by Masheen, who had stopped at a river. "On the other side lies Val'lah," he said. "We're through already?" Radagast asked, tiredly suprised. "I thought there was another land, although I can't recall the name-" "Ha!" Masheen laughed, shocking the others. "That realm was set up purely for the amusement of the Wizard Iyzor. In actuality, it takes up an area of five square feet, and exists as an extension of Hel's Heim, although the two are separated. Nothing of worth takes place there, only a few fools too loyal for their own good meet there once a week or so to discuss the various Metals. Your time shall come, your time shall come, " and this last he chanted, in a vaguely familiar tune. "I know that," Radagast ventured. "A friend taught it me, an old folk song, of origin unknown." Masheen laughed again. "Not so old..." he said softly, "but rather, composed for the brave new world we shall find ourselves in once the tyrants recieve their deaths." "Maybe you could teach me the words?" Radagast suggested, and Masheen gave him a smile.

Unbeknown to them, the four were being watched, from way up high. Sitting astride a giant flying eagle, a Knight noted as they started to search for a boat. "The Wizard must be told," he said to the bird, and it flew off towards the Tower, at Amazing Speeds.

*

Wonderful, reflected Zad, as he slid the blade across Fingon's throat for the eighth or ninth time. The blood continued to spurt out, marking his face and hands with redness. The fat barkeep had been suprisingly nimble, but no match for the insane speed of Zad's blade. When the others had left, Fingon had been cruel to him, insisting he help to sweep the floor, and no-one told Zad to do such things. Typical for one of the fool's rank, Belgi'an in the Old language. The day shall come when the Elder God Gr'nd arises, and casts down the 'True' Gods who had usurped Him in His moment of weakness, Zad thought, and then Things Shall Be As Once They Were.

Rising, he exposed his chest, which bore a strange tattoo in an unreadable script, and wiped the bloody knife upon it, in an offering to Gr'nd. The tattoo flared briefly, and for a moment he felt renewed energy flowing through him. "Many more shall have their blood taken, O Gr'nd Kore, Master of Worlds, Ancient God Of The Abyss, Dweller In Dark Places and Smasher Of Weak Cthonic Wretches!" he said in a powerful voice. Hearing a noise from the door, he turned round, and saw the street-whore Azrael standing, transfixed by the sight. He thought a Thought, and Azrael's head exploded, showering gibbets of gore everywhere. Zad smiled. Let the Tower-dwellers cast him out now, he thought. This power would consume them all...

To be continued...

Less lol, more intrigue. More! More!

A butterfly fluttered, hovering just behind the Holy Terr'r's ear. He brushed it off absently, so consumed was he by what he faced. "Incredible..." he muttered, eyes wide. "But the implications..." whispered Iyzor, "if this is true!" The Princess said nothing, but sprawled with her arms twitching, still covered in blood. Her cushion had fallen out of her dress completely, but she was unaware, staring blank-eyed at the wall. A string of drool hung from her chin, swinging softly in the light breeze.

Having hastily posted the Guard Noodles at the door to prevent interruption, Iyzor had bought the Bishop up to see for himself what the Princess had drawn. The Bishop had reacted with the horror that he had, and was only just recovering from the shock. "But...this is Forbidden Knowledge!" the Holy Terr'r said, "how could she have known?" "This 'demon' that visited her in the night..." Iyzor mused, "...if only we could have questioned her further." Since then, she had fallen into some kind of trance, from which none of the Wizard's spells could retrieve her. "I shall go and pray to the Gods," said Terr'r. "Perhaps They will show mercy to their daughter, who has served Them so well." He turned, and left. Iyzor stood in his place, examing the floor for the umpteenth time. At first glance it was nothing more than a mess, streaks here and there adding up to visual chaos. However, when you let your eyes go out of focus, clarity emerged. A figure stood in a field, arms outstretched towards the setting sun. Behind him, a large monster crouched, ready to pouch. Although its arms were small and puny, truly the jaw was Enormous, and the feet ended in Terrible Claws. "The Messiah..." Iyzor said, under his breath. "Pardon?" said a voice behind him, making him jump.

He spun around quickly, a Banning spell at the ready, only to see the Guard Noodles standing there. "My apologies, Wizard Lord!" he said, bowing, "but a Knight wishes to see you urgently, on a matter of The Greatest Importance. He just arrived, riding a giant flying eagle, which flew at Amazing Speeds." "Ah!" said Iyzor, "Sir Wan-" he coughed. "Yes, well, I shall be along presently," and turning back for one last look at the floor, he missed the flash of hatred that passed over Noodles' face, then was gone as speedily as the wind on a blowy day.

*

"What we need," said Bastard, "is a Sailorman". They had searched up and down the banks of the river that stood inbetween them and their destination, but no boat was to be found. Masheen had tried swimming, wading out as far as he could, but the current was too strong for him. "Where in the name of Myk are we going to get a Sailorman from?" asked Radagast irritably. He was overdue for a shot of cof'ee, and was feeling the withdrawal effects that come when a habitual drug user interrupts his usage for an extended period of time. "There's no need to take that tone with him," admonished Rio, "just because you're feeling the withdrawal effects that come when a habitual drug user interrupts his usage for an extended period of time!" Radagast looked away, angry but unwilling to start a fight with his friend.

Just then, a shout came from the other side of the river. Looking up, they saw a strange figure waving his hands at them excitedly. "Allo!" it said again. "Are yeu in need of a butt?" "A butt?!" shouted back Rio. "Whut?" it said irritably. "You said a 'butt'," called Radagast helpfully. "Yes, ah kneu whut ah zedd!" it shouted back. "Do yeu or do yeu not want a butt?" Rio looked at the others. Masheen shrugged. "Why not?" he said, then called back, "yes, please!" The figure lifted its arms above its head, then started to chant. For a moment, nothing happened, then, as if by magic, a platform raised itself from the water, and floated over to them. "Oh, a boat!" said Radagast as they all climbed onto it, and it moved towards the other side, very gently.

As they approached, they saw that the figure was dressed in a strange garment, very baggy orange trousers with stuffed pockets at the side, and a tunic that appeared to be made of leather. "Welcome to Val'lah!" he said, stretching his arms wide. "Ah am ze Immortal Emoq'd, though yeu may call me Ztef'n!" He beamed from ear to ear. "We do not often get vizitorz," he continued, "it iz truly a plezure to make yeur acquatance!" The platform arrived, and they stepped off. They introduced themselves to the Wizard, who continued to grin as they talked. "So, where exactly are we now?" asked Bastard. "Well, Baztarrrd, yeu are now ztanding in Ze Borderland! Zis iz where ze Metals zat are not Metal eneuf are put, to keep zem away from ze mindz of ze imprezzionablé!" "I have heard tales of this land," muttered Radagast, looking around suspiciously. "They say it is full of dangerous beasts and evil traps!" "Well, while zit iz treu zat zis waz were ze Elder God Gr'nd Kore waz deztroyed, and hiz zoul cazt into ze bottomlez chamberz of hell, zere iz no ozer dangerz, zinze he iz not powerful eneuf to return from zere!" He threw his hands up suddenly. "Oh! Whut am I thinking? Yeu muzt be tired after yeur jeunee. Can I invite yeu to my houze for zum refrezhments?"

They agreed, although not without some suspicion, and they followed him to a tree. The Wizard Ztef'n waved his hand at it, and before their eyes it transformed into a hut. Opening the door, Ztef'n went inside, and they followed, to find themselves in a huge hall, clearly much to big to fit inside the small hut they had just entered. It was the picture of decadence, colours everywhere you looked. Paintings hung on the wall, statues of the Gods were everywhere. Samples of Metals of all shapes and sizes were all over the place, with many different types of Rocks too. Rio was taken aback, trying to look everywhere at once, completely overawed by what he saw, so he didn't hear Bastard's gasp at first, and only looked around when he realised that the others were silent. Then, he saw them.

Their faces shone with a divine light. Their eyes were like sparkling pearls, surrounded by the clearest, most smoothest skin Rio had ever seen. Their hair was silken, trailing down over their perfect faces, glowing with health. Although they were not identical, they could easily have been brothers. Radagast broke the silence first, expelling a long breath in a nearly audible gasp. "Hello!" one said. "My name is M'sha," "and I am J'den," said the other. "Aren't zey wonderful?" said Ztef'n fondly. "I grew zem, yeu kneu, utilizing my magical powerz. Zey are my companionz, zey go wiz me every plaze zat I vizit." "You are our father," said M'sha, and J'den finished the sentence, "and we love you." There was something faintly creepy about them, thought Bastard, but he couldn't put his finger on it. He was less impressed than were Rio and Radagast, and turning to see Masheen's reaction, he saw that he had wandered off on his own down a side corridor. Ztef'n was still engrossed in his children, so he slipped off after Masheen.

He caught up with him in another chamber. Masheen was standing beneath a fifteen foot tall metallic-grey humanoid figure, staring up at it with wonder. As Bastard watched, he reached up to touch the thing's skin, and suddenly it came to life, swinging an arm down and grabbing Masheen. He struggled, but it was inhumanely strong, and it lifted him up to its face. "WHY HAVE YOU DISTURBED MACHINE?" it asked in a grating voice. Bastard panicked, and yelled for the others. They came at a run, just as Machine repeated his question. Masheen squirmed, "you're squashing me!" he said in a tight voice. "Mazhine!" Ztef'n said in a powerful voice, "put him down zis minute! Ah apologize for him," he said, turning to Rio, "neurmally he be'avez himzelf, but I zink yeur friend wiz ze zame name dizturbed him zome 'ow." Machine rumbled quietly, then there was a very bright flash, and they all had to shut their eyes for fear of being blinded.

When they looked again, Masheen had vanished. But Machine had grown another foot or so, and just above the hole it had for a mouth, some hairs had appeared. It spoke: "MASHEEN IS DEAD. YOU MUST SPEAK OF HIM NO MORE. I AM MACHINE. YOU MUST CALL ME MACHINE, OR YOU MAY CALL ME DEAD MASHEEN. THE CHOICE IS YOURS. MASHEEN IS A PART OF ME NOW." "They've...merged," said Rio in wonder. "Merde, ziz cannot be 'appening. Zis magic 'az gotten out of control!" Ztef'n wailed. He lifted his arms, and immediately M'sha and J'den were at his side, holding him up. "Please excuse Father," said M'sha, "he is very tired," finished J'den. "He will speak to you in the morning. Until then, you will find rooms with beds through there," they said in unison, pointing to a small archway that had gone unnoticed before. They left, and the friends stood in confusion.

*

Deep, deep beneath the surface of the land, there was a revolution brewing. Swarms of hargoreids massed,too many to number, training themselves for battle. Above them in the Tower, the Holy Terr'r primped in the mirror, preparing for that evening's Special Ceremony, unaware of the enemy below. In the Princess's Chambers, she had been laid on the bed, still in the trance. Her faithful maid sat by her, wiping away the mere suggestion of saliva dripping from her lips, whilst outside Noodles stood, guarding them with an odd smile on his face.

Miles distant, in Hel's Heim, blood flowed in the streets. Zad paused his senseless slaughter to look up at the sky. "Yes," he muttered, "the time is right..." He dropped the knife he had been using to commit his atrocities, and starting walking, towards Promotia, caring not for his blood-soaked clothes, not bothering to prepare provisions. His Master was stirring...

To be continued...

I'm at a loss for words.

Keep it coming, though, this is great!

All very strange, haha.

"Ah, Sir Wah..." Iyzor's voice started loud and bright, but quietened to a mumble. Why the blasted Knight was named so embarassingly was one question he had never been able to answer, as the man himself seemed to see nothing wrong with it. "I bear a report, Wizard Lord!" said the Noble Knight. "I was flying back from the battles in the Phatdom of Rappia, when I espied a small group of Hellsheimers about to cross the river Generalius!" "So, they're getting uppity again, eh?" mused Iyzor. "I wonder if Ztef'n will take care of them for us, or whether the old fool will let them continue. Surely he won't help them..." "I could fly out again, see whether there's been any activity at his hut?" offered the Knight. "No, that won't be necessary. If I know Ztef'n, he won't allow them to last the night. He never did have patience, that one, always had to push, get on with things. Got so boring, after a while, I had to send him away..." Iyzor stood for a while, lost in thought. A polite cough from the Knight bought him back. "You've placed your report about Rappia with the appropriate authority?" he asked. "You don't wish to see it, Wizard Lord?" "No, they pose no threat to us. Let them fight amongst themselves, when they are weakened we shall claim their lands in the name of Metal!" The Knight reverently made the sacred hand-sign. "Scout out the revolutionaries in Hel's Heim," ordered Iyzor. "We must not allow them to get too close to the Tower, or indeed Opeth itself. Of course, Myk will protect us, but the shame of it...!" "I am yours to command, Wizard Lord!" saluted the Knight, and he turned and left. Iyzor went to his Chambers, to prepare for the Special Ceremony.

*

The bedrooms in Ztef'n's 'hut' were small, yet comfortable. Each had the same layout, bed, table and wardrobe in exactly the same positions in each room. Rio suspiciously opened the wardrobe and checked under the bed, but there was nothing wrong that he could tell, so he allowed himself to relax. Next door, Radagast was preparing a double fix of cof'ee, to knock him out for the night. A knock at the door made him jump, spilling some of the precious powder, and looking up, he saw Ztef'n's head poking through the door. "Mon Dieu! Zis iz dangeroux! Eef yeu do not uze ze dreug ouften eneurf, yeu will feel ze wizdrawal effectz zat ceum when a habitual dreug uezer interruptz hiz euzage for an extended period of taime!" He reached into the side pocket and pulled out a packet of some dried herb. "Try zis!" he said, coming inside and offering it to Radagast. He took it, uncertainly. "Ziz iz tea!" he said. "Yeu smeauk it, yeu kneu?" "Smeauk?" said Radagast, confused. "Whut?" said Ztef'n. "You said 'smeauk'," he said. "Yez, I kneu whut I zed!" said the Wizard, annoyed. "Do yeu want zum or not?" "Yes," said Radagast, and took the proffered packet. Ztef'n showed him how empty it onto a sheet of aluminium (a light Metal, easily available from most Metal stores, but easily confused with aluminum, which was a Wood sold by Evil Git shopkeepers to confuse certain, naive customers, of whom we shall speak no more, the fools), and light a fire beneath it to release the vapours. Radagast inhaled them, and was suprised by the uplifting feeling he got in his head.

He was just about to take another sniff, urged on by Ztef'n, when a voice at the door said, "by the Gods!" and looking up, he saw Rio, standing shocked in the doorway. "It's ok, Rio, it's tea, much better for you than cof'ee!" "Get out!" said Rio to Ztef'n, who glared at him for a minute, then left, slamming the door. Looking at Rio, Radagast realised that he had never seen him so angry. It was a moment or so before he could speak. "I did not bring you out here," he said, through clenched teeth, "just to get you hooked on some new drug. Masheen was going to leave you in Hel's Heim, but I persuaded him to let you come. And what do I find? First chance you get, you're trying out the local flavour." Radagast started to cry. "I'm sorry, I'm useless..."

Rio relented. "You're not!" he said comfortingly. "You just have to have faith in yourself. I know you're capable of kicking the habit, I know you are! OK?" Radagast sniffed, and nodded. Rio smiled, and walked outside, where Bastard was waiting. "Did you mean that, about kicking it?" he asked quietly. "Course not!" snorted Rio. "Stupid junkie'll probably overdose any day now. I just fancied a holiday, that's the only reason I'm here, and I have to keep him happy, else we'll never get any peace." Bastard nodded, and massaged Rio's shoulders comfortingly. After a pause, Rio shook him off gently. "Sorry," said Bastard, "I was just..." "I know, just don't," said Rio.

*

Dead Machine stood in the empty room, analysing his surroundings. The was a lot of noise coming from one of the bedrooms off to the side. Humans and their little dramas, he mused to himself. He was consious of the part of him that had once been mortal shrinking every second. He was a robot, for Gods' sakes! He was unstoppable! Even Iyzor, the one who had abandoned him, could not stop his wrath from tearing the Tower down and stomping on its remains. Extending his guns, he started a weapons check, for at least the hundredth time. Missiles, check, gatling cannons, check, flamethrower, check, lasers, check. All in working order, and capable of killing thousands. Opeth (a little shudder went through his metal frame at the thought of the word) would not survive his anger. After a final check, he shut down his external sensors and started charging his emergency power banks. Let the humans argue. When the time came, he would make his move, and then they would see what was truly important in this world.

*

The children were lined up on the stage, as their relatives took their seats. Divided by gender, boys on the left, girls on the right, ready to pledge their allegiance to The True Gods and the Metal way of life. The Wizard Iyzor stood at the side, scratching at his ridiculous dress costume. It consisted of very tight, stripey trousers that shone in the dim light, with a frilly jacket on top. Hearing a curse behind him, he turned to see the Bishop Terr'r sprawled on the floor, having tripped on his long black ceremonial robes. He got to his feet awkwardly, dusting his sleeves. "I researched a cure for the Princess, as you suggested," Iyzor said, smoothly ignoring the Bishop's embarrassment. "Ah yes!" said Terr'r, "and what did you find?" "The kiss of a Princess will wake the victim from their curse," recited Iyzor. "There was a footnote pointing to another page, but when I looked it had been ripped out. Something about a Dinosaur's tongue..." Terr'r snorted. "Yes, very useful." A bell clanged in the distance. "There's my signal!" said he, "keep searching, Wizard. I'm sure the Gods will be merciful, and grant Princess Carnif'x a cure from the horror that possesses her!" He walked out onto the stage, to rapturous applause.

To be continued...

Priceless.

But what the fuck, have you forgotten about me? When do i enter the story? :cry:

Don't push the artist, dude. Maybe us black metallers will be there when the evil comes.

Yeah, i'm probably just too impatient.

I wanna be an evil barbarian.

I'M THERE I'M THERE!

i'm.. a whore?

*prepares to actually read it*

fakk you, i die right in the first one?

loved the gypse reference but i also locked another thieving low life piece of shit in an elevator

will now read part II.

Lolerdisco!

10 out of 10 for creativity, Zad! Your epic surely eats the feotuses of any usurpers.

i'm fat? :o and a barkeep? :o


bitch :x but i like it

You're the tr00 ones silly. Stefan, Jaden and I are evil

This is soo fucking great man! Keep it comming, it's very clever!