Metal Reviews

A Glance of emptiness

The devoured empire fades as the end, begins.
Begins the time of sorrowful deceives with human ignorance obscuring the coronation of the horns.

Time creates the mystery….the incomprehensible Existence for chaos to invade.
The vast universe portrays the infinite dimensions of being for the devoured empire to rediscover.


An eternal damnation lies upon the crown of mystery for sufferance to reveal

…for salvation to mourn.


Chaotic beauty crawls into oblivion… an oblivion for immortals to portray a thousand deaths.


A poem I wrote a few days back and would love some feedback.


Cheers.

Metrum, dude. Needs work.

Kind of cheesy in an "intro to video game" style way, but kinda cool too.

ummm!

What does "Metrum" mean?

Referring to Meter, the rhythm of poetry. Poetry does not have to conform to it to be classed as poetry, however, not conforming to it is only good when you can somehow make it apparent that you're aware of it's presence and are bending the rules. Utterly ignoring any structure can be unwise and can often backfire.

The other problem with this is that you're trying too hard dude. I've been doing creative writing at degree level for a year now and have had some helpful things passed on to me so I'll pass 'em on.

1) Poetry infused with long and complex word after long and complex word is not poetry. It's a statement saying 'I am learned, eat my verbal dust' And achieves nothing besides belittle the reader and alienate / piss them off.
2) Abstract concepts are fine, But you still have to make some sort of sense. The poem may mean something to you but if five people read it an get nothing from it, then the chances are you will be the only person it means something to and in that case, why publish it? The true key in abstract poetry is creating a poem which can have many interpretations, not something so detached from form as to have no meaning.

Hope you find those points helpful mate, they helped me a lot! Most of all keep writing, you'll improve with every poem you write

Agreed with Al. This is obviously just personal preference, but my favourite poetry is the highly structured stuff of the Romantics; Keats, Coleridge, Wordsworth, Shelley. What they do with language and meter is simply beautiful and is worth half the poem itself. And also, agreed with Al about the meaning; a good poem should be able to have many different interpretations, but not be so obtuse that a reader, on his third read, should still have no idea what the fuck's going on.

First of all, I am not trying too hard at all. These are deep down feelings that come out once in a while. Second of all, I believe these words that can be perceived in a vast point of view, so you obviously are not understanding the poem. Third of all, about the creating witting, I have shown this to my knowledgeable 75-year-old English teacher and he was amazed. But thanks for the advise, anyhow. This is a completely philosophical poem that the ordinary mind will not comprehend. This poem is about how history will repeat itself over and over again and the whole idea of The Chaos Theory. And this isn't my first poem, I have been writing for 3 years now and have had compliments from the wise.


In all modesty I praise your opinion.


Cheers

From now on I think
all of my posts in Helheim
will be in haiku

the reason for this
is that you all like nice poems,
I want to join in

LOL.

It needs some rhyme or rhythm, even if it only acknowledges a few poetic rules -- it can still break 'em. But the fact that your piece could simply be a non-poetic narrative excludes it from being qualifiable poetry.

Fading empire, devoured by the end,
Whilst sorrow paints a bitter red –
Brushed with ignorance:
The mark of the dead.

I sort of rewrote your first part -- sort of, but this is what I'm getting it, and it's not great.

Sounds like a song taken from Suffocations new album.

"and then my father he said to me SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP"?

I have listened to Suffocation a couple of times, and that was a few years back and did not even pay attention to their lyrics. AS FOR NOODLES, I don't even consider your opinion at all, not to mentioned you don't make any sense about 95% of the time, which is the reason why


You can't even understand the difference between not trying hard, and being a natural philosopher.

I don't need you rephrasing my poem at all. And call what you will, I couldn't give too fuckin' shits about rhythm! This is what it is.

Yeah you probably shouldn't care about what I think of poetry because my favourite lyricist doesn't really make sense



well jaccob bannon is probably my favourite lyricist, but you get the point

Dude, you're a fucking idiot, and you're sure as hell not a philosopher. At least noodles isn't an arrogant douchebag. Highschool English teachers aren't exactly hard to impress.

@ Define Infinity : Why ask for criticism if you can't take it?

You deserve utter honesty, so here it is:

"A Glance of emptiness"

This is an extremely cliche poem/lyric title. Seriously, it sounds like a fucking Evanescence song. Cry more.

"The devoured empire fades as the end, begins."

There's no reason to put "begins" after a comma here. It just looks like you don't have a very good comprehension of English. Furthermore, there's nothing metaphoric here, it's just big words (executed poorly at that). Poetry isn't about high diction. You should be weaving metaphors throughout, which you don't.

"Begins the time of sorrowful deceives with human ignorance obscuring the coronation of the horns."

Poetry doesn't excuse "Engrish." "Begins the time of sorrowful decieves" is improper and sounds retarded. And anyone who likes to toss around the phrase "human ignorance" is no philosopher in my books. Yeah, sure, we're not all brilliant, but what out there is smarter than us? "Human ignorance" philosophy is pseudo-philosophy, and will get you no where. I am a university philosophy major, and I can assure you that none of this would be taken as very credible. Teenage angst does not qualify you as a philosopher. And what the hell is "coronation of horns" referring to? It's too obscure.

"Time creates the mystery….the incomprehensible Existence for chaos to invade."

The only thing incomprehensible here is this line.

Fuck it, I'm too lazy to go through the rest, and I have class. My point is, your poem is shit. If you're going to treat forum members like shit, and be an arrogant cock, you deserve to hear the truth.