Metal Reviews

the only stereotype I don't agree with is the doom metal one, the rest are great.

Yeah the doom one should break the dragon's face with a motherfuckin' riff.

That list is at least two years old...

Damn, isn't this the third time this thing's being posted? Nevertheless, it always makes me laugh.

No, I think that's the 4th time this is being posted. 3rd time it was I who did it and I apologized after being sliced, diced and barbequed with dragonflames by you guys!

LOL!!! Poor Mofo!

i also posted it once .. i too got the message: " it's ooold!".. guess i was the second one to post it.

No way, this is at least the 7th time.

"Hey y'all, I found something uber funny!


HEAVY METAL
The protagonist arrives on a harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and fucks the princess.

POWER METAL
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.

THRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her.

FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing acordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (because of all the dancing). Then all leave...without the princess.

VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.

DEATH METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her, then leaves.

BLACK METAL
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon.

GORE METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her. Then he fucks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fu€ks it for the last time.

GRIND METAL
The protagonist arrives, screams something completely undecipherable for about 2 minutes and then leaves...

DOOM METAL
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.

GOTHIC METAL
The princess in a velvet costume starts singing soprano. The protagonist completes the duet by adding the beast part, while the dragon plays the flute. Suddenly he swallows up the pipe and accidently scorches the beauty and the beast and suffocates to death. All their souls are damned in hell's eternity.

PROGRESSIVE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the HEAVY METAL protagonist.

INDUSTRIAL METAL
The protagonist arrives wearing greasy overcoat, makes an obscene gestures towards dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.

SPEED METAL
Suddenly there, short solo, dragon is confused, someones screaming weird stuff, princess realizes she's been deflowered, dragon and princess are still looking for the one who did this.

CHRISTIAN METAL
The protagonist rides in on his way home from church and sings a mushy power ballad to the dragon about how much Jesus loves him and that the dragon should turn to Him. The Dragon is immediately converted, and when the princess wants to 'thank' the protagonist he replies, "sorry, but I don't believe in having sex before marriage."

GLAM METAL
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink color.

BATTLE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a legion of a hundred brave footman, war chariots and a dozen elite warriors and, as a master tactician, flanks the dragon in a bloody siege that lasts six hours. The princess gets bored.

NU METAL
The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.




Now I am the funniest man alive and everyone must love me cause you all laughed lolz!

Check this cool shit I just found bros! Totally originmal!

Kathy, you are officially trying too hard.

YEAH!

POWER METAL
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.


I sometimes crack myself up!

Seen it a million times, but it's still good for a laugh...the thrash metal one is absolute shit though.

Herman Li (Dragonforce) Metal

The protagonist (Herman Li) announces that "betcha can't do this" and intends to jump on the dragon, go airborn on his back, do a fairly simple A major sweep picking flying routine with some extra turns in the air, grab the princess and marry-kiss-screw her in less than 10 seconds. However it all goes horribly wrong somewhere and ends up with his head up in his ass.

We've been here, haven't we?

Varg Vikernes Metal -

The protagonist arrives, driven by his mother. He proceeds to scream at the dragon, and tries to stab it, but is bemused when the dragon turns out to be a white supremacist.

I was guilty of posting this... a couple years ago. I've always loved the progressive metalhead one best.

I didn't know it had been posted before, as I only found it recently and I am not very active on this forum. Sorry for posting it again then.

It's ok dude. It happened to some of the most active posters before. That list just finds a way to come back.

I've already posted my contributions to this old joke many times. But I'll post them again:

Metallica Metal

Hero arrives at the castle. Does NOT fight the dragon but instead threatens to sue him. Worried about how much gold he could lose, the dragon reluctantly lets him in. He sees the princess, the princess attempts to thank him, but he just ignores her and runs off with her stash of gold instead.

Tr00 Metal

Hero valliantly arrives on his noble steed and with his trusty sword in hand. He triumphantly slashes the dragon with a single blow and rushes up to save the princess. The princess is greatly thankful, but just as they're about to make love, he notices her music collection consists of Hammerfall albums rather than Manowar albums. Aghast, he casts a spell and sends her to an eternal burning in the flames of Heavy Metal.

Stoner Metal

Hero stumbles into the castle. Takes a few huffs of cocaine-laced marijuana before confronting the dragon. Dragon attempts to fight him, but hero instead offers him some pot and the two spend a good hour smoking it together. After the dragon's stoned enough, hero comes upstairs to rescue princess. Princess offers hero her hand in marriage and then hero collapses.

Nerd Metal

Hero arrives dressed in a bowtie and glasses. Instead of fighting the dragon, he gives dragon a pop quiz. Dragon fails the quiz and is forced to let hero in. Hero arrives in princess's chamber. Princess finds him too geeky to be attractive and runs off with the Industrial Metal guy. Hero soon finds out princess went to Stanford rather than Harvard and loses all respect for her anyway.