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ACT THE SECOND
(Slow fade in. Some tingly ambient music here perhaps?)
(Outside the cell walls, the city is quiet)
(Iyzor stands, savouring the taste of freedom, idly itching at the stump of his arm)
(The two women step out of the hole after him, and look around)
(Our viewpoint spins around to follow their line of sight, and we see a ruined city, smoke rising across the entire horizon. There isn’t a single untouched building, and utterly no sign of life.)
(Cara speaks)
“What happened here?” she says, her eyes wide. (Iyzor steps up beside her) “Death has come to Latt’m Land,” he says, surveying the view. “The last we knew before slumber came upon us, evil was imminent, and clearly we have slept through the domain’s final days. Here we have nought but ruin, the raped corpse of our kingdom left to rot like a maimed ox with a chainsaw stuck in its head.”
“But…”
(Cara is clearly having trouble understanding. Sasheron speaks for the first time)
“Why were we awoken, if it is too late?” she wonders aloud. “Surely something can be done…?”
(Iyzor shakes his head, his long wizardly locks swinging like miniature pendulums) “We are too late,” he says. “Either we can hunt for survivors and try to find out exactly what transpired, or we can journey away, perhaps to the land of…”
(He thinks for a moment, but his mind seems to be blank, almost as though it were wiped clean by some malign divinity…)
(Cara speaks again)
“What about The Latt’m Archives?” she questions. “There are always Keepers there, perhaps we can ask it what has happened?” (Iyzor says nothing, but it is easy to see the emptiness in his face. Like a blank book, he is ready to be written on but until that happens, nothing is to be gained from him)
(Gaining nothing from the vacant wizard, Cara turns imploringly to Sasheron, who thinks for a moment, before speaking)
“Let’s look to see if anyone survived… whatever happened,” she suggests, “and if there’s nothing here, we’ll head for the Archives.”
(They move away. Our viewpoint is lifted towards the sky, where a shadowy figure sits on a gigantic flying bird. It soars away into the clouds, and the camera follows it, fading out as it passes into a cloud)
(Elsewhere, we focus into a pile of rubble. All is quiet and still, before – shock! – a mechanical foot kicks out, and gaining footing, drags the rest of its steel body out)
The robot Mintrude is free!
(It looks like that one that fell down the stairs in Robocop. Yes, but a bit less round at the top. And with a beak. And some straggly bits of hair, almost as if it was going bald. Oh, and it’s painted green. Exactly, you’ve got it)
(It turns, whirrs, and makes some beeping noises. Satisfied that everything appears to be in working order, it revolves on one foot and focuses upon the pile of rubble from whence it came. A laser shoots out from a hidden aperture and zaps the rocks with a blinding light)
(Whoa, dude, whiteout, too bright for cameras. Perhaps there’s some sort of filter they can use for it?)
(When we refocus, the rocks are gone, and the robot is helping several figures out of a cellar, the door of which was previously blocked by rocks. Don’t ask how an armless robot helps people climb over rocks; you have to use your imaginations)
(There are six of them, including the robot)
(This is where it gets awesome)
(As if it wasn’t awesome already)
(Rio, Radagast, Mintrude the robot, Ztef’n, Norris and a Long-Haired Man In A Sailor Suit climb out)
(They are all big, tough, muscled men, like prime-time Arnie crossed with his own imaginary twin brother and then put on a protein-only diet and made to work out lots. Apart from the robot, obviously, the robot is all shiny and technical, like something out of the new Transformers film - only designed to appeal to gay men in their early twenties instead of children who have no idea of what makes a robot cool – no, not jive talk or being able to urinate oil)
(Anyway, these fine specimens of manly manliness are standing in a rough semi-circle, coughing and brushing their hats off)
(Radagast speaks, and women shiver for miles around without quite knowing why)
“What in the name of Myk just happened?” he asks (whilst brushing his hat off. It is a wide-rimmed sombrero, coloured a muted yellow, and as he places it on his head, the others subconsciously straighten, the Long-Haired Man In A Sailor Suit starting to salute, then stopping when Radagast freezes him with a Powerful Stare)
(Radagast turns to face our viewpoint, and we see that he is wearing an eye-patch with a scowling silver skull embossed upon it)
(We also see a whip coiled around his midriff, like Indiana Jones. He (Radagast, not Indie) has the words ‘Whipper’ written across the sombrero)
(Rio steps forward, says his piece, and then steps back again. The group forms a line facing our viewpoint, two on each side of the robot with Radagast in front of it)
“The war… is it over? Have we won?” asks Rio.
(His eyes are wide, like Bambi’s after seeing his mother shot, or the “it’s real to me, dammit!” guy)
(An orchestra plays the first few notes of a song, and Radagast speaks)
“It is over, and we have lost,” he says (and the orchestra falls silent). “But,” (the violins shudder!) “we shall rise again!” (drum-roll!)
(Radagast steps forward, and the orchestra start to play properly as he sings the following in a slightly nasal voice. Feel free to clap along, and encourage others nearby to do the same.)
“War, unending war, has blighted our once noble land
At every corner, every turn, Winter has played his hand
Now the last few survivors look to me for leadership
I must unleash upon the enemy my headbanger face-rip
But can I do it? I know not that I have any tears left to weep…”
(The orchestra rises into a crescendo and a choir of voices sing, bizarrely sounding like Radagast’s voice times ten, as if he’d recorded himself and then ran ten copies of the same tape at once…)
“Please, God give me, the strength to lead - it’s my charge to keep
Please, God give me, the strength to lead - it’s my charge to keep
Please, God give me, the strength to lead - it’s my charge to keep
Please, God give me, the strength to lead - it’s my charge to keep
Please, God give me, the strength to lead - it’s my charge to keep
Please, God give me, the strength to lead - it’s my charge to kee-eep!”
(The orchestra speeds up like Björn "Speed" Strid playing speed metal on speed, only speedier. Several longhaired guitarists jump out of nowhere, and start to headbang. Radagast screams the following like a nutter)
“Initiation of the master plan! We are the bane of man!
Erase the human memory! They know not of whence they came!
And though our hearts are broken! We have to wipe the tears away!”
(Suddenly, everything stops. A bubble appears by Radagast’s head with the picture of A Fallen Comrade in it. Everyone looks sad. Take your hats off and bow your heads, dammit, and if you have anyone near you force them to do the same.)
(Radagast cries for a moment over the happy memories he holds of his departed chum, and then softly sings the following, accompanied only by some scruffy bloke with an acoustic guitar)
“A tragic man he died, many weeks I cried
Through the tears, the human spirit leers
I feel it once again – it’s overwhelming me
Angel guarding me – all I know, all I know
All I know, all I know – he’s watching over me.
All I know, all I know, all I know – he’s watching over me”
(He looks to the skies and smiles through the tears at that last bit. It’s a bit hard to understand what he’s singing, as sobs choke his voice. The music fades, and you think it’s all over, but no… SOLO!)
(A man strides forward out of nowhere, dressed in gold bricks. He pulls a guitar off his back made of pure diamond, and plays a solo so beautiful that strong men weep. Women stab their children in the throats as they know that nothing that they ever do in life can be a quarter as amazing as what the gold-bricked man just played.)
(Radagast screams like a nutter again, and the orchestra strikes up as he yowls)
“In vain they did not suffer! Ten billion strong seize the day!”
(Pandemonium reigns. A line of elephants stampedes in a circle, intersecting with circus clowns driving small cars.)
(Ten-foot tall can-can dancers appear in a straight line, high-kicking, and at each kick a two-headed dwarf runs out from under their leg, waves a sky-blue flag three times as large as it is and then explodes in golden sparks)
(Cannons start shooting pure liquid money, and the gold-bricked man flies up into the sky on shining white wings, playing another solo so beautiful that strong men hug each other and women cast themselves into the sea)
(A fifty-foot tall rhinoceros runs out of nowhere, trailing pink ribbons and carrying a million ballet dancers on its back. It explodes and a nuclear mushroom cloud goes up into the sky)
(Rio turns to Radagast, his mouth agape)
“Whipper, what in the name of Myk was THAT?!” he asks.
(The camera spins and we see the group standing there as if nothing has happened)
(Radagast turns to Rio, and grins)
“What was what?” he asks (clearly amused at Rio’s odd question). “Come along, we should be moving on, and I Don’t Want To Discuss It Any More. Now that we’re beyond fear and it has no hold on us, I only want to focus on Winter’s pain – I’ll make that bastard suffer for what he’s done…”
(The group turns and walks away, heading for one of the less-damaged buildings. Rio is left alone, staring around in bewilderment)
“But… what?” he mumbles.
(Fade out, as he turns and runs after the others. The words ‘TO BE CONTINUED…’ appear and burn into your retinas like a hot light bulb dropped into an eyeball, as happened to a guy I knew once)
ENDETH HERE ACT THE SECOND
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