Woo! Been saving these:
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When an austrian father was asked how he thought the best way to teach his children about sex education he said he thinks its important to keep them in the dark for as long as possible.
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I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a shit."
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A man walks into a petrol station and says, "can I please have a KitKat Chunky?"
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."
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I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
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A man goes to the doctor. The doctor says, "You've got to stop masturbating." The man says "Why?" The doctor says "I need to examine you."
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The Polish-American Society from Hackensack and the Irish-American Society from Hackensack charter a double decker bus to go into Atlantic city for the weekend. They're on the way, the Irish guys are down below and the Polish guys are upstairs. The Irish guys are drinking, partying and carrying on but one of the Irish realizes he doesn't hear any noise upstairs. He walks upstairs and all the Polish guys got white knuckles, holding onto their seats. The Irish guy says "What's going on, we're drinking and partying havin' a good time downstairs" - one of the Polish responds "YEAH, BUT YOU GUYS GOT A DRIVER."
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My mate is addicted to brake fluid.
But he reckons he can stop at any time.
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I used to go out with an English teacher, but she dumped me.
She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.
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Women are like parking spaces, normally all the good ones are taken. So, occasionally, when no one's looking, you have to stick it in a disabled one.
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Josef Fritzl walks into a chemist and asks the assistant for some birth control pills for his daughter. The assistant asks him,
"Is your daughter sexually active?"
The man replies, "No, she just lies there like her Mother."
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So a baby seal walked into a club.
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So a woman's in a delivery room shitting out a kid, and the doctor's yelling, "Push! Push!" and finally the baby pops out and he says, "Congratulations! It's a boy!"
"Praise Jesus!" Says the new mother.
He then cuts the cord and slaps the baby on the ass.
Then he slaps the baby's ass again, this time harder, and then he slaps the baby's face, and the mom says, "What... what are you doing?"
Then the doctor punches the baby in the face and breaks its nose.
And the mom screams! "Stop! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!"
"Don't worry, madame, I'm a professional."
He then bites off one of the baby's hands grabs it by the leg and starts to swing it over his head with blood slattering everywhere.
"MY BABY! OH PLEASE JESUS STOP!"
And then the doctor starts bashing the kid against the wall until it turns into a bloody putrid mess all the while the mother's crying and screaming.
Finally catching his breath he lets out a chuckle and says, "April fools. It was stillborn."
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Q: How does every racist joke start?
A: [looks around furtively]
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Q. What is red and bad for your teeth?
A. A brick
