Metal Reviews

So, the situation was this. I, and four other teachers from my school, had to go and see a live play called The White Earth in order to make sure it was ok for the students. The show was late at night and I just had one, long arsehole of a day. But, being the trooper that I am, I went anyway.

I'm sitting in the audience next to my colleage (note: partner in crime) and we are wathing this awful play unfold. I don't know if you've heard about cultural cringe, but I am sick to death of this whole "dinki-di Aussie outback 'ow ya goin'" bullshit that infiltrates every single piece of creative art. This play was a convoluted mess of Australian cliches. All three fucking hours of it.

Anyway, after it was all said and done, I'm outside the building with the other three teachers discussing the play. Because one of them is my superior, I'm all, "oh yes, I found the message at the end to be quite obtuse. Yet the dialogue reflected an obsolete representation of the national identity, which our culture inexplicably clings to".

After my boss had left, my colleage and I headed off in the other direction towards the carpark. We ran into some other people we knew in the theatre cafe, and began to bag the shit out of this play as a jolly group.

"Oh yeah, that stupid cunt who played the old guy. For fuck's sake, he was shit!"

"And that slut whose acting skills involved sticking her tits out and wearing underpants so tight it looked like she had four arse cheeks."

"Hahahaha! And that little cockface playing the main character. The best he can hope for in showbusiness is selling rimjobs to coke-addicted hasbeen actors from Neighbours. Ahahahahahah!"

You've pretty much forseen what happened next. I was wondering why my friend's young daughter was withdrawing deeper and deeper within her jacket. It was only when we said our goodbyes and I turned to leave that the ENTIRE FUCKING CAST were sitting directly behind me.

So anyway. Having vowed never to set foot in the theatre again, I was instructed by my (oblivious) boss that it was I who was taking the students to see the play a few days later. Oh fuck.

On the day I wore a hat and my glasses as a disguise. I made all the kids sit up the front, while I found the darkest corner I could. And then, when it seemed inevitable that the actors on stage would see me and attack, Odin send forth a gift. The gift of a student having near-fatal asthma attack. Yippee! I got to take her outside and wait for the ambulance while the rest of them stayed and watched the play. It was just as well too, because after the play finished the house lights came up, and the actors did a meet-and-greet amongst the audience.

But what I did notice was that the old guy put a lot more effort into his acting this time around.

Yay Wanky's back!! How ya been?

Absolutely flat out. Can you believe that I only just got home internets a week ago? But now things have finally settled down and I can return to a routine.

Edit: @ story.

welcome back!

This reminds me of this time I was at a horror film festival. I was sat in the second-to-front row with a friend of mine, and this film they were showing was SHIT. Like, really, really shit. It was about a kid who finds an evil credit card. You can use it to draw as much cash as you like out of an ATM, but all the things you buy turn to evil.

Anyway, because it was a film festival all-nighter it is more socially acceptable to talk during the films. So me and my friend spent the entire 90 minutes talking about how damn awful it was, and basically lolling uproariously at it.

Then after it was on, the compere guys came up and said "now, as a special treat, we've got the director here to answer questions about it". And this woman got up who'd been sitting right on the row in front of us and went up. This is a tiny cinema, so she'd have been about 3 feet away...

I was really embarrassed but my friend is made of sterner stuff, and when she asked the audience what we thought of it (asking for trouble), he shouts out "IT WAS FUCKING SHIT".

In fairness to her, she was a good sport and was just like "yeah, it's obviously not for everyone... I don't mind if you hate it".

LOL!!! I love Wanky's stories. Awesome! Glad to see you back.

Hey ! Welcome back mate.

Hurrah for near-fatal asthma!

LIES

another great story, hopefully now that you have regular internets we'll get more of that. you can tell "it'd be funnier if you were there when it happened" stories in a way that's funny even when people weren't, er, there when it happened.

So how is the foot in mouth disease doing for ya

Hahaha Wanky's back!

Heehee, oops! Myself and THREE other teachers. Four in total.

You seem to be a popular sort. Where can a man find the best melons around these parts?

Ha! Could it be?

I did a double-take at this. Friend of yours, SirW?

may be the grad return of somebody else...

but I may be wrong

EDIT: i though i was sirW for a minute... for shame

Erm...Well as a rule I never buy melons from the supermarket. They are always pale and tasteless. Your best bet is to get them from a local fruit shop, particularly one owned and run by an Italian. They always seem to have the best fruit. If you are really keen for great melons, try going to the next fresh produce market in your area. There is such a competitive atmosphere in these markets that you are almost ertain to get the best melons available.

I have a really, really horrible feeling I know who it might be...

*crosses fingers and hopes he's wrong*

Oh gawd Ken?

Lostprophets on the last.fm profile?

Prepare for teh drama