Whenever you meet people at a show or a bunch of metalheads are hanging out, the trading of stories is usually an integral part of the experience. We like stories and try to one up each other’s experiences. If the stories are good enough, they usually get repeated and this is how legends and myths begin. Whether it’s seeing some chick topless backstage for the first time, being spit on by a roadie or drinking beers with a metal god, stories are a source of enjoyment for all involved with metal. There are several elements to a good story and a certain way to tell it.

As the title implies, a true metal story must be true. If you want to fabricate a story, that’s fine but don’t expect to be respected. True metal stories are fun because they’re true. If you invent something, often times it will sound invented and people won’t believe it. There is truth in the saying “truth is stranger than fiction” and when it comes to telling a metal story this applies. I’ve heard plenty of stories that were obviously fake like a woman having sex with Rob Halford on his tour bus. This is obviously fake. If he had said Gen from The Genitorturers, I would have believed it. Lying doesn’t further you or your cause so tell the truth.

Usually you need a good opening line. “Check this out,” “Check this shit out,”or “You’re not gonna believe this but,” are common openers. A true metal story should begin with something along these lines. My personal favorite is “No Shit, So there I was,” This sets your listeners up for an experience and a fun time. If you open with “Umm I have a story to tell,” it will fail. The story should sneak up on the listeners and need no introduction. Backstory is ok but this must be integrated into the story itself. Under no circumstances are you to say “So guess what happened at the _____ show.” Never, EVER use “guess what.” The reason is that the answer will invariably be “I don’t know, tell me.” If you want to maintain a captive audience for the duration of the story, there is no sense in annoying them at the outset or wasting any time getting to the meat of the story. The introduction needs to be quick so you can move on to the real portion of the story.

Before telling a story, you must decide whether it is good enough to merit a full scale retelling or just a passing mention. If you got so-and-so’s autograph, this is a comment made in passing. If you got so-and-so’s autograph, hung out on the tour bus, fucked a groupie and woke up in Detroit, that’s story material. When starting to get to the meat of the story, you should dispatch background information as fast as possible. A good example is saying “Right after the ____ show, I…” A bad example is “I showed up to the club late and didn’t have a ticket which was ok since my friend had an extra one but I needed to call his cell phone but it was busy and I left five messages and finally he called me and he told me he was on his way since the train was late but he got there but wanted to smoke a joint so I was delayed further but I was high so I didn’t care that much until I had to pay him for the ticket and we went in and we missed the first 18 seconds of ____’s set but it was ok since…” No! No one is going to be interested in this. The story is about something funny or cool, not getting a ticket.

Once this has been dealt with, move on to the real part of the story. This is the money shot so to speak so you need to use colorful language loaded with lots of adjectives and transitions should be abound as well. Why say “We had to wait for him to do a line of blow” when you could say “So we’re sitting in this dingy bathroom with spray paint and mold all over the walls, some guy shooting up in the stall, another guy screaming as he sprays shit all over one of the urinals cause all the stall is occupied when ____ pulls out his balloon and starts chopping out a massive line.” That’s metal. “All of a sudden” should be included in the story at least once because most stories have a radical change somewhere in the middle that makes for an interesting twist. Ending the story also takes talent. If the story is a narrative this should be a lot less difficult than if it’s one isolated incident. A good way to end is “and I survived to be here to tell you guys about it.”

If you follow these simple guidelines, you should have no problem telling your own true metal stories the next time you and your mates are sitting around, blasting metal, downing beer and passing the bong around. For you’re reading pleasure, I’m including one of my favorite stories to tell.

No Shit, so there I was at the Shadows Fall show in Glasgow, right and after the show, I got Brian Fair’s autograph in eye pencil on my copy of the European release of their album. I’m leaving the venue and walking back to the hostel when the next thing I know, a girl has her arm around me and says “Do you want to come back to my place and drink some beers and watch The Simpsons” in her beautiful yet hard to understand Scottish accent. Being quite fucked up at the time, I quickly agreed. We go to their place and relax on this destroyed corduroy couch while we watch TV and get drunker. All of a sudden, one of the guys starts screaming and everyone frantically begins throwing their clothes on. Being a visitor, I follow suit and before I know it, we’re in a metal club in downtown Glasgow rocking out to Bon Jovi and drinking blue shots. The club closes and on my way home this woman about double my age tries to pick me up. I would have given in but I had a 9AM bus to catch so I declined and I survived to be here to tell you guys about it.

Special thanks to essayist Tim O’Brien whose “How to Tell a True War Story” inspired this tirade.