Fortress of the Foetus Eater
Part 1
(A Metal Opera)
Blackie Lawless: King Skullekles
Eric Adams: Draknarok the Warrior
Morten Veland: The Foetus Eater
Music by Therion
Begins with Mako from Conan narrating over slow tribal drumbeat:
It was a time when the oceans were bulging with kraken and the skies were thick with pegasus. It was an age of magic and awful fish that crawl in careless travellers’ trousers. The twin suns of Arakanor scorched the steppes of Torradorr, and the forests of Lanknor were a rich source of lumber for the carpenter peoples of Floogadonia. A great darkness ruled this age, during the night when the twin suns of Arakanor had set and a moon of coal scorched the steppes of Torrodorr. And destined upon this land was Skullekles, fated to bear the jewelled codpiece of Torrodorr upon a troubled penis. It is I, Herbert the chronicler, who alone shall tell of King Skullekles’ days of high adventure.
*Intro begins with totally over the top symphonic choirs and shit. Then kicks in the power metal riff.*
King Skullekles:
Rising out of the flames of fear
Flying across the plains like a deer
I stop and go home, I’ve had enough
I am not mighty enough
*The music slows and fades to the slow drumbeat and atmospheric wind effect*
And so our hero’s journey ends before it begins. Many months idle on his throne of gold have sapped his strength and made him fat. Barely can he see the jewelled codpiece below his rotund girth. The sensation feels unusual…
*The choir erupts in…*
LIKE FISH-FINGERING A MERMAID
Into the iron throne room marches a lonely figure. His blonde mane of hair flows over the war weary armour of a mercenary. In his right hand he carries a great sword, a sword of eleven feet in length. No other sword in the kingdom of Torrodorr has ever been forged at such an illogical length, for it can only be the Blade of Overstatement that the lone warrior carries. In his left hand he carries the legendary pulley system of Fulcrum Leverage, a system that allows mortal man to wield the blade.
King Skullekles:
Who is this I see before me
Who carryeth thine Blade of Overstatement high
A lone warrior in armour so worn
And lovely blonde hair like a golden sky
*Choir*
HIS NAME IS DRAKNAROK THE WARRIOR
FROM DISTANT LANDS HE RIDES
FOR JUSTICE AND STEEL AND IRON AND MIGHT
EVERYWHERE ON EARTH HIS ENEMY HIDES
Draknarok the Warrior:
Oooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I am the mighty warrior Draknarok
I love to crush those heads a lot
My sword drinks blood while I drink wine
And my horse drinks water all the time
I am power to the strong
I do violence on the weak
I can scream my battle cry
I am death to the meek
All who stand before me
And the riches that they hoard
I will tie their feet to mountains
And I will drown them in a fiord
King Skullekles:
Awesome!
You have arrived in my lands
At a time I need you most
For evil violates the women
And their foetuses he roasts
What you see before you
I a king too great in size
I was once as mighty as thee
But I like to eat pies
Now take thine sword and thirsty horse
To the lands of Fire and steel
And destroy the one who lives on high
In the fortress where foetuses are a meal
Succeed and you shall have mine codpiece
Draknarok the Warrior:
No longer will his magic flute
Lure the foetus from the womb
So they march across the desert sands
To reach their gourmet soup of doom
The Foetus Eater:
I am the mighty Foetus Eater
I kill their mothers with a parking meter
And lure their tiny unborn ones
To my towering fortress of the obsidian suns
Draknarok the Warrior:
Your reign of blood will end today
My forces already have breached your gates
Your defenders’ heads fall to the might of our steel
And we crush their bones under our chariots’ wheel
*Choir*
HIS NAME IS DRAKNAROK THE WARRIOR
FROM DISTANT LANDS HE RIDES
FOR HONOUR AND BLOOD AND EXCRETA
TO BREACH THE WALLS OF THE FOETUS EATER
From the album ‘An Explosion of Pegasus’ by The Steel Valhalla Experience
