Metal Reviews

Well, the last match was great. Let's have another good one!

And now, business:
Okay, here's how it will work. For the next 24 hours, Eyesore and Wanksalot will have just that! Exactly 24 hours to post a poem/set of lyrics. The second both poems are posted, all people are free to vote. Please make your vote obvious, and be nice!

Voting will end exactly 48 hours from now.

1 poem
vs
1 poem

One vote per poster. Happy writing, all!

"Now" (in 8 hrs) on tap: Eyesore vs Wanksalot!

Up next: Arthur vs Er... Someone!

Fortress of the Foetus Eater
Part 1
(A Metal Opera)

Blackie Lawless: King Skullekles
Eric Adams: Draknarok the Warrior
Morten Veland: The Foetus Eater
Music by Therion

Begins with Mako from Conan narrating over slow tribal drumbeat:

It was a time when the oceans were bulging with kraken and the skies were thick with pegasus. It was an age of magic and awful fish that crawl in careless travellers’ trousers. The twin suns of Arakanor scorched the steppes of Torradorr, and the forests of Lanknor were a rich source of lumber for the carpenter peoples of Floogadonia. A great darkness ruled this age, during the night when the twin suns of Arakanor had set and a moon of coal scorched the steppes of Torrodorr. And destined upon this land was Skullekles, fated to bear the jewelled codpiece of Torrodorr upon a troubled penis. It is I, Herbert the chronicler, who alone shall tell of King Skullekles’ days of high adventure.

*Intro begins with totally over the top symphonic choirs and shit. Then kicks in the power metal riff.*

King Skullekles:
Rising out of the flames of fear
Flying across the plains like a deer
I stop and go home, I’ve had enough
I am not mighty enough

*The music slows and fades to the slow drumbeat and atmospheric wind effect*

And so our hero’s journey ends before it begins. Many months idle on his throne of gold have sapped his strength and made him fat. Barely can he see the jewelled codpiece below his rotund girth. The sensation feels unusual…

*The choir erupts in…*
LIKE FISH-FINGERING A MERMAID

Into the iron throne room marches a lonely figure. His blonde mane of hair flows over the war weary armour of a mercenary. In his right hand he carries a great sword, a sword of eleven feet in length. No other sword in the kingdom of Torrodorr has ever been forged at such an illogical length, for it can only be the Blade of Overstatement that the lone warrior carries. In his left hand he carries the legendary pulley system of Fulcrum Leverage, a system that allows mortal man to wield the blade.

King Skullekles:
Who is this I see before me
Who carryeth thine Blade of Overstatement high
A lone warrior in armour so worn
And lovely blonde hair like a golden sky

*Choir*
HIS NAME IS DRAKNAROK THE WARRIOR
FROM DISTANT LANDS HE RIDES
FOR JUSTICE AND STEEL AND IRON AND MIGHT
EVERYWHERE ON EARTH HIS ENEMY HIDES

Draknarok the Warrior:
Oooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I am the mighty warrior Draknarok
I love to crush those heads a lot
My sword drinks blood while I drink wine
And my horse drinks water all the time

I am power to the strong
I do violence on the weak
I can scream my battle cry
I am death to the meek

All who stand before me
And the riches that they hoard
I will tie their feet to mountains
And I will drown them in a fiord

King Skullekles:
Awesome!
You have arrived in my lands
At a time I need you most
For evil violates the women
And their foetuses he roasts

What you see before you
I a king too great in size
I was once as mighty as thee
But I like to eat pies

Now take thine sword and thirsty horse
To the lands of Fire and steel
And destroy the one who lives on high
In the fortress where foetuses are a meal

Succeed and you shall have mine codpiece

Draknarok the Warrior:
No longer will his magic flute
Lure the foetus from the womb
So they march across the desert sands
To reach their gourmet soup of doom

The Foetus Eater:
I am the mighty Foetus Eater
I kill their mothers with a parking meter
And lure their tiny unborn ones
To my towering fortress of the obsidian suns

Draknarok the Warrior:
Your reign of blood will end today
My forces already have breached your gates
Your defenders’ heads fall to the might of our steel
And we crush their bones under our chariots’ wheel

*Choir*
HIS NAME IS DRAKNAROK THE WARRIOR
FROM DISTANT LANDS HE RIDES
FOR HONOUR AND BLOOD AND EXCRETA
TO BREACH THE WALLS OF THE FOETUS EATER


From the album ‘An Explosion of Pegasus’ by The Steel Valhalla Experience

OH... MY.... GAWD

++++++



.:crast:.

Haha someone has a bright future in a power metal band.

Jesus! Who the fuck has been spending a lot of time on this?!?! I might as well not even bother. Shit.

Kenny running away from Battle
I'm obviously one of the dead people :cry:



NP
Jim Black "alasnoaxis" ("splay was better, but this has its moments too 8) )

yep, I'll be voting on poetic content not showmanship.. just write an exquisite little marlovian sonnet and I'll vote for you. do eeeeet.

Well, since I have very little time to write a monsterpiece such as you see above, and since I am at work until beyond the 24-hour deadline, this is what you get, something short and sweet that I whipped up.

We'll call it Indecision for the sake of this here thingy.

Slowly mountains crept, and
came upon a man.
They said, "Run away, friend!"
Still, he stood, and
thought, and
was trampled

I can see Sir W. winning this tournament if he keeps writing like this.

Well, firstly, that doesn't look "Whipped up." That was a burst of insight. I was thinking wow, and kept scrolling cuz I thought there'd be more... like, I thought that there was going to be a handful of worldly advice followed by some kind of tie together. Obviously this isn't about size. But, I was still taken aback.

So, I read and read, and funny thing is, this poem has great relevance to this very match. To every single thing that went on in this thread.

I mean, you obviously have the talent!

If you'd had the time, and idea of the effort that might be put out by any given person, maybe you could have shown us all how it was done.

But, Sir Wanksalot was fantastic with what he wrote too. Truly funny material, and a decent sense of rhythm. For me, this was quite enjoyable. Content was solid. No cheap laughs, all earned.

So, I say this:

It was a match I predicted as the one of the best to come during the first round. Two very different poems, both revealing AWESOME abilities of their writers, however, Sir Wanksalot made me laugh my ass off, and came very prepared.

Vote: Sir Wanksalot

Fucking hell, if Wanky is the standard to go by, Im gonna go looka t my lyrics again...that was epic! Eyesore, goddamit, why didn't you write more? The few lines you did write where very poetic.

Vote: Sir Wanksalot

If I'd written more for that poem the whole point of it would have been lost. That's as long as it needs to be.

I read this whole things as poem vs. poem, not poem vs. play. Sorry I don't have time for anything so elaborate. I do like my new poem, though. It'll definitely be in my new book! =)

I'm not even sure why you bothered joining if it was to post that kind of stuff... not that it's bad, I actually like it, but it's awfully short... therefore :

vote : wankalot

NP
Paradise Lost - Paradise Lost (a bit more like a heavier Host, my fav', with less inspiration)

wanksalot is like the power metal GWAR. scumdogs of the battlefields. or something. hails.

but I'm voting for Ken because of the sheer word economy involved in making his point. damn near haiku. I mean all the words were still very conventional but it's an indication of good form.

also it's another poem which has opposite philosophy to mine. ;P

Sir W.

Sir Wanka

.:crast:.

Eyesore. I don't think making people laugh is the point of this contest. Besides that, from any point of view, Eyesore's poem beats Wanky with ease.

i actually agree, Sir W's entry was 1) funny, 2) soooo power metal! but 3) poetically not as good as Eyesore's entry.
My vote goes to Ken however i won't vote on him next round(if he gets through) if the next entry isn't a bit longer

I laugth a lot with this one. But Eyesore one was great, but short. It's subtle, it's good, he has talent. But the effort of Sir Wanksalot in creating something so... pompous, grandilocuent, sarcastic... deserves my vote.

So, Sir Wanksalot for me.